Maybe I Could Have Been a Better Listener Revisited

Yes, that’s me judging from the permed curly big hair 30 plus years ago teaching in my classroom. I have written on this important topic several times already because listening and comprehension in all aspects of life is a vital skill. I even wrote my Master’s Degree thesis on this issue many years ago. Sometimes I still ask myself as a parent should I have been better at practicing what I preached at school where teaching and expecting good listening skills was an everyday assumption and goal. How many times did I frustrate or disappoint one of my own children during a conversation maybe missing the point or an opportunity to comfort or mentor them better as they grew up. I’m not losing sleep or crying over spilt milk but there really are ways to be a better listener.

Modeling good listening skills is even more important today than it was during my parenting years. Studies are already showing that student school performance and achievement scores are lower now than in previous generations and we don’t need to think to hard to explain what advances in and the distractive and addictive nature of technology may have a lot to do with that. In this busy, distracting and multitasking environment that we all live in perhaps parents could start by pausing and being present in that precious moment when they are interacting and communicating with you. Focus on your child so that you can listen to what they are really saying and meaning.

I’d like to retell my story of finding concerning words written many years ago in my nineteen-ninety something journal. I had written that one of my daughters had said to me “Something is bothering me, Mom. You haven’t been listening to me lately.” Ouch that still hurts to read today. She goes on to say “You haven’t been paying attention to me. That’s why I act silly.” Amazingly accurate insights for a 4 year old and perhaps a fair assessment of my challenging overworked days of motherhood. We are all guilty of it. We spend time with loved ones but are we really listening in the present to what they need? Obviously there is much more mental health context to that story but I want to stick to the point that we can all learn to be better listeners.

Back in my school classrooms I always had a prominent poster hanging on the wall that wisely said “ Learn to Listen. Listen to Learn.” I have to admit that I sometimes am still not the best listener. I use to blame it on my profession as a teacher where it was my job to talk all day long to making a living. But, that was just an excuse for not respecting that conversations especially in our personal lives are two way streets that require listening too. We spend more time in life listening than any other form of communication. I have learned with age and experience that when another person’s emotions are speaking loud and clear through their words I need to sit back, be quiet and just listen.

It’s never too late to brush up on our listening skills. We hear with our ears but we listen with our brain. Be attentive and invested in the moment. Active listening requires paying attention not only to the words being spoken but also to the silent communications, emotional cues, gestures and signs. Listening comprehension is the goal so engage yourself in that moment and try to picture what is being said in your own mind. Children will feel more valued when they can see that you are listening. Don’t allow yourself to just hear but not really understand what your child is trying to communicate. Try not to interrupt their chain of thought. Sit back and listen. When the time is right, ask questions. Trying to visualize what is being said helps to build meaning and make connections in your mind. Again when the time is right restating the information conveyed increases your accountability and gives you an opportunity to clarify and reflect upon what has been communicated to you. Remaining active in the communication process and checking for understanding is so important. By conveying the meaning of a child’s message in that moment including the emotional innuendos and relating or reacting to it in some way shows your interest, connection and empathy.

This process helps our brain to function more effectively and efficiently in many things that we do in life. Thinking back to my elementary classroom teaching years I am reminded that listening and reading require very similar thought processes when receiving information. Readers and listeners both have to construct meaning from words by recalling, retelling and reflecting.

In today’s world so much more listening is done via technology, social media and on our phones and other devices. Life has become much more passive in nature. No wonder some children are starved of that valuable in person experience and contact that my daughter was describing all those years ago. Like her they just want and need to be listened to face to face especially by their parents. My kids are all adults now and seemingly doing fine but the bottom line remains the same. Parents need to be good communicators and that includes listening.

Thinking back to my young daughter and her “silly behaviors” perhaps I should have asked myself then “How could I have been a better listener?” Another prominent poster in my classrooms read “Learn to Listen. Listen to Learn. Yes, it’s time that we all try to make more sense of the people around us and the world we live in. It takes effort and practice. Your children won’t expect you to fix everything in their lives but hopefully they will always want you to listen to them. Active listening is one of the most important skills that you can have in your parenting toolbox. If you are aware of what they are going through and the situations that they are facing you can offer them support. Having that connection with them will help them to become more resilient, responsible and caring people themselves that value your guidance, strength and love for a lifetime.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

I Can Do It Moments!

It was an exciting day in our house many years ago. My oldest daughter who was 6 or 7 at the time had submitted a picture that she had drawn and colored all by herself for the local newspaper weather forecaster. It surprised and delighted her when we discovered that it had been published right on the front page of the Sunday Journal!

Buckets full of praise and encouragement was sent her way that day. I couldn’t find it but I know that I still have that old newspaper clipping saved somewhere in my house because that moment meant something for my daughter and would be an important memory. It was an I can do it moment!

From years of classroom teaching and my own childrearing experiences I know that children benefit from positive reinforcement or more simply put, PRAISE. When they consistently hear those words slowly but surely they become more capable and confident in their own abilities. It’s nurturing food for a child’s brain. As they experience “I can do it moments” hopefully they will begin to believe that Yes, I can learn to do many more things in life.

You have already heard this many times but it is so important. The messages that we send to our kids can be powerful. You always want your child’s bucket or glass to be half full not empty. It’s about promoting self-esteem and ambition in our sons or daughters. So they will have the gumption to try new things or have the willingness and patience to preserver throughout life. Sometimes chasing their dreams but more likely having the patience to just hang in there and try to do their best in whatever life has in store for them.

Praise effort along with success. That is what will promote resiliency. A parent’s big challenge is to nurture their child’s self-esteem as they grow and develop skills. Life isn’t always going to be kind or fair. This is so vital for good mental health. The key word is good. Good job, good effort, good ideas, good choices. A child should never have to be exceptional to gain your praise and recognition. Excellence and success everyday and in everything that we do is not a realistic expectations. The important thing is trying and learning and being happy and proud of ourselves and our accomplishments.

My daughter has since had many more I can do it moments and successes in her lifetime of experiences and accomplishments. Her creative and artistic skills continued to be fostered along with the many other roots of her mind, body and soul. Today she is a doctor and a mother herself. We have no way of knowing what will be instore for our most precious cargo in the future. Parents need to provide their sons and daughters with as many tools and words of praise as we can to prepare them for future pathways in life.

Years later now my three year old granddaughter likes to draw and color pictures for me. Yes, Grandma joins in with the smiles, praise and the celebration of her milestones and the many things that she can do. Ideally she too will become a confident and strong women one day that will have had lots of I can do it moments.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent, & Retired Teacher

Kids, Water and Summer Equals Fun!

They say that you can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink. Fortunately, water fun was never an issue for my kids. Swimming pools and waterslides were a favorite destination back in nineteen-ninety-something for our family.

Navigating countless crowded, steamy, slippery, chlorine infused communal showers and change rooms was part of each child’s journey. And mine too! Trying to stay dry straddling benches and stuffing lockers while fully clothed and hot myself was a challenge. Carrying wet towels, multiple backpacks and belongings while trying not to think about all the athletes’ foot fungus and pink eye germs potentially surrounding us was a parent’s nightmare. In the name of good fun and parenting I persevered. My three girls had their eyes set on successfully climbing the swimming ladder of buoyant animals like otters, seals and dolphins at the local pool each summer during their young childhood.

Then once the kids were in the pool and afloat parents patiently sat down, waited and watched. No scrolling through your phone. They weren’t a thing back then. Internet accessibly was at home or work only if you had a computer. Instead, you happily read your paperback book, started a conversation with the parent beside you, entertained siblings, or maybe just enjoyed watching your little one splashing, swimming, diving and having fun playing in the water.

Kids, water and summer just go together! Following the enthusiasm currents and riding the waves of fun I made an important decision that summer day. Enjoy it while you can, Mom. Your kids are being supervised by someone else for 45 minutes and learning a life skill at the same time. Despite the possible disappointment of being stuck at dolphin and never making it to the Starfish levels I signed my kids up for another set of swimming lessons that summer. Then like a machine my wash, rinse, dry and repeat cycle continued.

It’s a good thing that nurturing affordable places like community pools and recreation centers still exist for kids to play, learn and have fun in. Thirty plus years later I’m still going to that same place! But now I’m exercising or helping out with my grandchildren as they navigate through their swimming pool adventures. Such is the circle of life. I’m still trying not to think about the athletes’ foot fungus and pink eye germs potentially surrounding us while holding a baby or drying off a wet child!

Life is going to be full of sink or swim moments. My kids were having fun and learning to swim many years ago, but I know now that they were also experiencing degrees of independence and learning how to stay afloat in the future, too! There will be many more challenges and ladders of success for kids to climb in life beyond the swimming pool and many more places for parents to become masters of waiting and watching!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Be Kind And Think Before You Speak!

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me! We all know that old rhyme isn’t true. Words wield power and influence but they can also sling arrows of hurt, too. One of my daughters was born with a facial birthmark. For some people it was politely overlooked but unfortunately for others she was flawed enough to comment on. Often viewed with curiosity kind of like the oddity act in a traveling circus. Consequently, attempts were made on our behalf to spare her from unwanted attention and hurt feelings. But, we could never deflect all of the arrows aimed at her. She underwent multiple laser surgery treatments to reduce the size and color of that mark early on in life. But, despite our efforts to make it less noticeable the stares and comments continued throughout her childhood.

We now think nothing of the countless tattoos people choose to mark their body with. We might quietly pass judgment on their choices but we move on. A birthmark on a young child however is still something different. It was our experience that attention would repeatedly be draw to it along with unwanted stares, inquisitive remarks and questions when we were just out trying to have a normal day in our family life. I remember a specific thoughtless remark that a daycare worker once made, when I hoped that my daughter was still oblivious to the reality of her physical appearance. In retrospect I doubt that was true. Kids do sense and know things. That is why recognizing and understanding our feelings is so crucial. This particular comment came soon after another laser treatment that my daughter had endured, which was in itself an unpleasant and scary procedure for a young child to go through. A caregiver questioned us upon arrival that morning with “Hey, Did you get your face painted?” Oh, it’s cute! …..Oh, is that a birthmark?……Oh, well that’s cute, too!” Returning to daycare that day with her smiles and perennial good nature only to be greeted with an insensitive and needless comment must have been so deflating and disappointing especially coming from an adult. It certainly wasn’t acceptable or appropriate from my protective Mom point of view. Sadly, there would be many more similar situations and conversations ahead in my daughter’s life.

I wrote in my journal all those years ago, that my daughter who was 4 years old at the time, was such a brave girl. She handled the surgeries well but was scared of the anesthetic needle because it hurt. The post treatment side effects always left more bruising for others to see. We always took a family day together doing something fun to cheer her up afterwards but the weeks post treatments ironically brought on the most attention to the birthmark because of the bruising. Most people within our close circles of home, play, school and work were kind and conscientious. But, genuinely curious children and inconsiderate adults were hard to avoid. Children are impressionable in so many ways. Encounters, words spoken and messages sent their way can leave lasting emotional scars.

The Billy Joel song” “The Way You Are” had a special significance in our home and ultimately as the years progressed and my daughter began to question why she was going for laser treatments. It became harder and harder to rationalize to a young child that you need to go through this series of unpleasant experiences, changing you for a long term greater gain that at that moment you don’t comprehend in anyway, but yes we really do love you just the way your are! When the emotional trauma created from trying to mask away the birthmark eventually became more harmful than living with the birthmark on one side of her face the decision was made to stop the treatments and truly accept and love our daughter just the way she was meant to be.

My daughter still felt good about herself at that innocent age. She was too young to understand what was going on with her body but she heard those words. It still hurts as a parent remembering how others kept chipping away at my child’s positive self-image. And yes, she still has the remnants of a faint birthmark on her face that has followed her as she grew up. Some of those early experiences and fears have mushroomed into medical procedure and intervention hesitancies that are a load that she still carries, like heavy baggage throughout adulthood. The world can be a cruel place when you have something different about your body. The value of appearance is so important in society. Like a stain that won’t go away it continues to catch your eye forever. As parents we go into fierce defense mode at the time but we can’t live their lives for them. So our kids do bear the weight and the consequences of good and bad experiences during those important developmental years later in life. Only she can fully voice how it impacted her life and her social and emotional wellness.

Thoughtless words send messages to a child that can make them doubt themselves. Growing up is challenging enough navigating through their world. Uncertainty breeds anxiety and that is never a healthy state of mind regardless of age. Recognizing and understanding the significant role and the importance of emotions is so important. Words do matter and they have the power to upset and alter our state of mind and wellbeing. My daughter is in her thirties now. All the insinuations that something was wrong with her made by herself after hearing an insensitive comment voiced during her childhood has likely had a lasting impact in ways that I will never really know for sure. Perhaps it has eaten away at her confidence levels, tainted her opinions, messed with her relationships, limited her aspirations and social interactions or ultimately influenced decisions and choices she has made in life. Sticks and stones can break a bone and words can hurt you, too. So, please be kind and take the time to think before you speak.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

That’s My Mommy! What Does She Really Mean?

To set the stage for this post I will share with you that not many moms can say that they were also their children’s first teacher. That was indeed the unique reality of our family. I taught elementary school for many years including when my own three girls were young. When each of them started school they joined me in my kindergarten classroom. It just made sense for us at the time especially because there was a daycare at my school making child care so much easier until they were all in school full time. Maintaining resiliency was important and a priority for our mental and physical health. So for our family spending less time and stress driving in the car for pick up times and more time together during the day made taking my children to work with me a unique and memorable time for us all.

Although in my recollections most days went smoothly in our classroom on one occasion I remember a particularly heated daycare meltdown with one of my daughters. After school when I came to pick up my girls another child recognized their teacher and immediately came running over to give me a big hug and say good bye when my middle daughter suddenly and rudely intercepted him and said “NO” this is not your teacher this is MY MOMMY!” Obviously in that moment I was both mom and teacher but sometimes sharing is a hard concept for young kids. Sharing mommy was hard that day for my daughter. Actions usually speak louder than words but when both coincide pay attention and dig deeper for the real message being conveyed. Your child is needing something. Young brains have a lot of maturing to do and emotions quickly take over . Kids wear their hearts on their sleeve. There are times when every child just wants to feel special and demands your time and attention but needless to say that was not the ideal nurturing moment.

Looking back now I encourage tired and stressed moms and dads to savor those times when your kids are young and you are at the center of their universe. Too soon that will all change and you will become the one searching out time and connections with them as they lead their own full and busy adult lives. When parents recognize and accept the importance of their children’s emotions everyone’s mental health will more likely thrive. All children need some me, myself and I time with a parent. At home of course my kids competed for attention that’s normal behavior. One built a cave on her bed. Soon her sister tried to build a better cave. Next my oldest daughter wanted mom to color with her until the siblings soon showed up with crayons and coloring book in hand. Family life is a juggling act!

Over the years as my kids got old enough not only to show that they needed more time and affection from Mom they could tell me in precise detail how they wished that I didn’t work so much. That really makes a parent feel terrible. I am reminded of a very sad young daughter who was concerned that Mom wouldn’t be able to come to her parent-teacher conference afterschool because I was a teacher myself and would be doing the same thing working at a different school. I tried to reassure her that she was my priority that day and that I could do a pretty good job of juggling my work and home schedule so that I would be there in her classroom when she needed me. I did make it to her conference but there was some emotional capital lost that day. The truth was sadly that even after trying to be everywhere and everything to everyone my kids saw through that unrealistic goal. She was still worried! I guess I was still falling short in her eyes some days and that hurts.

Some days I did feel guilty for working and not being home with my own kids but being a working parent was a necessity in our family and teaching was always an important part of my life because it was something that I enjoyed and was good at which made me a happier and better parent in the long run. Mom’s have needs, too. It felt good to be doing something for me. But, being a supermom all the time is an unrealistic self-fulfilling fallacy. Something is going to fail and someone is going to suffer or be hurt or disappointed and that someone quite likely will be you, Mom. Try not to divide yourself into too many pieces or put too many eggs in your basket in a day. We all have our breaking points. My kids are grown up now and have family’s of their own. Grandma still tries her best to be everywhere and everything to support them when I am able because I know now from experience what a great juggling act family life can be.

Resiliency, dedication, wisdom, patience and most importantly love is what parents should be striving for not perfection. There is only one you to go around. It’s the universally wonderful imperfection of parenting and a valuable lesson for children to learn.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

A Place At the Table Means So Much

On a hot summer day many years ago, our three young girls sat down to eat dinner and simultaneously shrieked with a look of shock on their faces as they stared across the table at their dad sitting with no shirt on. It certainly wasn’t the dress code norm for meals so it was a funny moment we shared together. It was even funnier when they bent down to look under the table to check if he was really nude! Obviously he wasn’t so we all laughed even harder. Time spent together as a family should be full of spontaneous precious and sometimes funny moments like that.

Sharing a place at the table with family members is the kind of routine interaction that offers so many positive moments for both parents and children. It is a gift of time. I have often referred to and shared a quote that I read, and it has stuck with me because it has rung true so many times in life since and especially as a parent. It says ” The point is not to do remarkable things but to do ordinary things with the conviction of their immense importance.”

Whenever you eat together it does more than just nurture your body it also feeds the hearts and minds of those present. Talking together is a healthy way to share the good and bad highlights of one’s day. Sitting with people you share a bond with can also be a comforting source of reassurance, comradery and love. It centers us and reminds us especially with family that we have roots and a sense of worth and security. This is very important for good mental health at any age. It fosters positive thinking which will promote resiliency and self-efficacy. Opening up to and sharing our lives with others helps and encourages us to recognize that our emotions and how we express them are windows looking into or mirrors reflecting out the status of our current mental health and wellness.

I was a working mom raising three young children decades ago now and full disclosure we didn’t eat at that table every evening. Restaurant meals were a treat occasionally, fast food meals in the car and take out were often times a necessity. The amount of time and the place didn’t matter the important thing was that we tried hard to spend some time together each day. Eating together was important and a priority when schedules allowed for it. And that’s not the only thing we did sitting around that table. Besides breakfasts, lunches and dinners it was homework central, a place to tell stories, solve problems, read books, play games, do puzzles, attempt crafting projects, watch tv and of course talk and laugh together. Many family celebrations have been and still are hosted at this table.

This old table has been a central place for our family to gather for many years. A place where we now share fond memories because my children are all grown and have their own homes and families now. It is still my special place where we took the time to be there for one another as a family. Feeling that we belong is a human need. That’s the point I was referring to earlier we don’t have to do remarkable things because the ordinary things we do together have immense importance. Having a place at the table really does mean so much.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Some Boundaries Will Be Challenged But Keep the Faith

It was one of those epic snowy winter days common where I live. I had been home sick from work along with my two youngest children. We all had terrible colds but still had to bundle up and venture out to pick big sister up from school that afternoon. Arriving too late to garner a coveted parking space in front of the school begrudgingly I found one of the last stalls in the community hall skating rink parking lot at the far end of the school yard. Taking a child in each hand we trudged through the snow and entered the school just as the dismissal bell rang.

Still sniffling, we waited in the crowded nineteen-ninety something school hallway as it filled up with more parents and children milling about. My inquisitive often impatient middle child had slipped from my grasp to peek into classrooms close by. When older sister found us I thought we were all ready to navigate our way to the exit door. It had only been a few seconds but I felt a sudden surge of emotion as I turned around and discovered that my curious little monkey had disappeared! If you have ever been there, you know that indescribable fear and feeling of dread that a missing child brings into your life. This was always one of my greatest fears.

I tried not to panic and began searching the hallways and classrooms. Next, I ran outside to scour the immediate schoolyard. I was getting very worried so I asked several teachers to help while I made my way to the school office to report my child missing. My heart beat faster and faster as I heard the principal calling out my daughter’s name over the PA speakers. By now I was getting frantic and decided to leave my other daughters in the school office so I could head outside again to search around the building one more time. As I walked back towards our car parked in the rink parking lot way across the schoolyard, I thought I spotted a flash of purple in the distance. It was a little person in a purple snowsuit popping up from behind a snowbank, trying to hang on to a sign pole while intermittently sinking back out of sight in the snowdrift. I had found my daughter! She was cold and scared but waiting patiently by our car for Mommy and her sisters!

When I frantically shouted out her name my mind flashed back to losing that same child in the Sears department store at the mall not that long ago. After searching the clothing racks and aisles we found her seemingly unalarmed in an out of bounds staff washroom standing at the sink washing her hands. To think again that I could have lost someone so dear to me so suddenly made me gasp. Then the relief when I realized that my child was safe brought me to tears. Both of those experiences shook me to the core and left me wondering was I really going to lose my daughter some day?

Hindsight had not yet blessed me with insight and perspective and she is now, years later, a working mom herself. But, in that moment it was an upsetting incident in parenting and there would be many more to come. Impulse control was never easy for that child and drama often followed her around. That fear would return from time to time during the next several decades as my daughter grew up. I was coming to terms with and learning as all parents must do, that protecting my most precious cargo was not going to be an easy job.

Our kids are going to be unique individuals with brains and minds of their own. We can teach and guide them well but we can not control their every thought and move. On that snowy winter day according to my daughter she had popped into her sister’s classroom for just a few minutes to look around but when she came back out into the hallway she couldn’t find us. She thought that we had left without her! Scared but resourceful and brave she had gone outside to look for us but couldn’t get back in the school because the door was too heavy to open. That night at bedtime, after I had time to count my blessings and calm down I listened to her and I told her that she had been very smart to go back to our car to wait but that she should never have gone off on her own in the first place. Then we had a talk about the importance of staying together. What I was really thinking was thank goodness my daughter was safe but I had never dreamed that my child would leave the building without me. I was wrong.

Years later, my daughter would confide in me that her brain often thought differently than others. We would reminisce about those early disappearing incidents much to her disdain and embarrassment so we instead created a positive spin to it commending her on her resourcefulness when placed in a difficult situation. Some children will be more challenging to raise. Some may veer of course or follow a different pathway. The road may get bumpy and the journey may seem long. Some boundaries will be challenged. As parents we do not have control over everything and we are not entirely guilty or to blame for our children’s destiny and well being. But, we do need to keep the faith, try to be the best parents you can be and always listen to your children.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Mommy’s Get Sick Sometimes, too!

It’s daycare and school pick up time and Mom had another migraine! I’ve been blessed with many wonderful things in life but unfortunately cursed with bad headaches. We did make it home that day but I actually threw up in my favorite yellow winter hat while driving! That was over 30 years ago but it is a parenting memory that sticks with me because in that moment I was feeling quite desperate that I might not be there for my children when they needed me. I can honestly say years later that feeling never does go away even long after your kids have grown up and left the nest.

My children learned from a young age that I’m only human and sometimes mommy gets sick, too. Mutual consideration and caring for one another was a family value that we always encouraged. When I was suffering through one of my bad headaches my youngest daughter would often say “it’s okay mommy we can doctor you”. But, that day there was still that big problem of being the adult in the room and the fact that those three little girls sitting in the back seat couldn’t drive themselves home. Vulnerability is something that parents try so hard to avoid. Being unable to fulfill our responsibilities is a perennial fear.

In that journal posting I went on to reason that I would just have to wait until one of my girls was old enough to drive us all home when mommy gets sick. Fortunately, for migraine suffering moms like me our suffering became much more legitimized and treatable over the years. But, more importantly addressing parent’s physical and mental health needs have also been acknowledged. Due time and effort needs to be given to Mom and/or Dad to ensure that we can continue to be there for our children. Pushing yourself to always keep performing is not a healthy approach to parenting. We all have our vulnerable moments. Recognizing and accepting that you are not going to always be the perfect parent can be a valuable teachable moment for our children. Vulnerability is not something we should hide from our children because learning to recognize and accept our inner feelings will make us a mentally much healthier person. In a family it fosters the ideals of helping one another and working together to make things happen. Children learn by observing but more importantly by doing.

As my children got older if the going occasionally got tough for Mom they pitched in to help in whatever way that they could. I’m reminded of another bad headache parenting day a few years later when my mini van broke down on the way home amidst heavy traffic. My three children were older but still not driving so we all hopped on a transit bus with our backpacks in tow. Made it to the mall parking lot near our home where I proceeded to throw up again this time in a big garbage bin. Not looking like the best role model for mother of the year that day, when approached by a concerned security guard asking in a judgmental tone if “I was alright”? My girls were quick to defend and help me that day. Then we walked the rest of the way home together where they put me to bed because sometimes Mommy’s get sick, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Many Hands Can Make Less Work

This morning my oldest daughter helped my youngest daughter get dressed. Hugged and kissed her and sent her happily off to school just like a little mommy would! Then she said to me “You know I really like to do this.” That was a sudden halleluiah parenting moment for me written over 30 years ago when I realized all those days when my daughter had seemingly been in my way while I was dashing around the house trying to get everyone ready for work and school, I should have been letting her HELP MOM do some of the work that was causing me so much stress.

It can be easier, kinder and more productive to include rather that exclude your children from daily tasks in the home. Not to mention eliminating some of the many “No’s” in your life might actually ease the tension and make family days more pleasant for everyone. I admit I was and still often am a control freak and likely I was an intense bossy mom some days. But, I believed I was showing competence and leadership in that time and space. A common misassumption made by parents trying to do the best that they can, is that doing tasks yourself will be faster, better and easier. Sometimes this is true and necessary, but at other times your children may be missing out on valuable learning opportunities that will give them more confidence, incentive and skills that they will use to their advantage in the future.

Children learn by doing things. They will be expected to pitch in and help out at daycare and at school and years down the line they will need to function efficiently in a group, on a team ,at a workplace or in their own home. So why not start at a young age in your home? As a busy working mom I remember doing many of our domestic chores late into the evenings so that I could spend more precious quality time with my children. I have learned with age and observation that the definition of quality time can mean many different things. The key is doing things together.

Just this past week when my daughter, who is now herself a busy working mom, was Face Time visiting with me, and wanted to share one of her own young daughter’s favorite things to do in the kitchen with Mommy. I got quite a surprise. My granddaughter, still a toddler, was hovering over the pulled down dishwasher drawer, with reasonable care and supervision of course, helping to unload the dishwasher. Wow, I thought how cute, but also there’s the proof is in the pudding! Maybe there can be a better balance of mixing work and play together within the home. Encourage your children don’t discourage them. Practical experiences do pay off in the future. Teamwork is a good concept within a family, just as it is in so many other situations in life. Indeed many hands can make less work and more fun together, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

Walk the Talk

Rules really are meant to be followed. That’s what one of my young daughters was reminding me of at the lunch table many years ago. “You don’t talk with your mouth full, Mom. We should put that up with the other rules in the kitchen cupboard.” Truth is our family did have a list of rules for good behavior pinned up on the inside of a cupboard door beside the sink. I must have not been showing perfect eating etiquette that day, but I was doing something right as a parent getting my kids to recognize what are appropriate behaviors in the world we live in.

We made up those rules together and we did read and review them occasionally throughout their childhood. The list eventually grew quite long and later on during the teen years we would chuckle and reminisce about their origins. My girls grew up and moved out of my home. But, the list remained there for years, a special reminder of times gone by for me each time I opened the cupboard, until home renovations and a new paint job put that old list into the memories box. I still chuckle when I come across them to this day 30 years later.

We learn from our mistakes and believe me we all made them on occasion but in our perfect world the house rules stated that you should: “Listen carefully. Talk with an inside voice. Be polite. No bugging people. Be nice. Help and cooperate. Be careful and play safe. No running, pushing, poking, hair pulling scratching, hitting, spitting, name calling, kicking or fighting! That one is a hilarious mouthful of don’ts followed by HAVE FUN! Help out. No touching people’s faces. Do not hurt people’s feelings. Chew with your mouth closed. No feet up at the table, sit nice! No toys at the table and no playing with your food. No playing ball in the house. Never walk away angry. A very cerebral expectation for young children I must say! And include everyone.”

Perhaps now I should mention that there may have been times that my own children wondered whether having an elementary school teacher for a mom was a blessing or a curse. That response likely depended on the situation or the day? And yes, my profession may have spilled off into family life just a little bit here and there but my intentions were always good! The truth is as parents we are always going to be our children’s first teachers and that is a very significant and fundamental role to play in their lives.

Don’t hide away your expectations. Make them know to your children and teach them everyday by setting a good example of behaviors yourself. An important part of every good teacher’s daily lesson plan is modeling and active participation. Classrooms are filled with learning prompts. No, you don’t need a visible list of rules at home, but encouraging our children and assisting them to recognize and exhibit good manners and behaviors should happen consistently during the formative years. Children learn from observing the people around them. It’s a vital part of the process. Eyes will be on you parents, so WALK the TALK and TALK the WALK daily.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher