Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me! We all know that old rhyme isn’t true. Words wield power and influence but they can also sling arrows of hurt, too. One of my daughters was born with a facial birthmark. For some people it was politely overlooked but unfortunately for others she was flawed enough to comment on. Often viewed with curiosity kind of like the oddity act in a traveling circus. Consequently, attempts were made on our behalf to spare her from unwanted attention and hurt feelings. But, we could never deflect all of the arrows aimed at her. She underwent multiple laser surgery treatments to reduce the size and color of that mark early on in life. But, despite our efforts to make it less noticeable the stares and comments continued throughout her childhood.
We now think nothing of the countless tattoos people choose to mark their body with. We might quietly pass judgment on their choices but we move on. A birthmark on a young child however is still something different. It was our experience that attention would repeatedly be draw to it along with unwanted stares, inquisitive remarks and questions when we were just out trying to have a normal day in our family life. I remember a specific thoughtless remark that a daycare worker once made, when I hoped that my daughter was still oblivious to the reality of her physical appearance. In retrospect I doubt that was true. Kids do sense and know things. That is why recognizing and understanding our feelings is so crucial. This particular comment came soon after another laser treatment that my daughter had endured, which was in itself an unpleasant and scary procedure for a young child to go through. A caregiver questioned us upon arrival that morning with “Hey, Did you get your face painted?” Oh, it’s cute! …..Oh, is that a birthmark?……Oh, well that’s cute, too!” Returning to daycare that day with her smiles and perennial good nature only to be greeted with an insensitive and needless comment must have been so deflating and disappointing especially coming from an adult. It certainly wasn’t acceptable or appropriate from my protective Mom point of view. Sadly, there would be many more similar situations and conversations ahead in my daughter’s life.
I wrote in my journal all those years ago, that my daughter who was 4 years old at the time, was such a brave girl. She handled the surgeries well but was scared of the anesthetic needle because it hurt. The post treatment side effects always left more bruising for others to see. We always took a family day together doing something fun to cheer her up afterwards but the weeks post treatments ironically brought on the most attention to the birthmark because of the bruising. Most people within our close circles of home, play, school and work were kind and conscientious. But, genuinely curious children and inconsiderate adults were hard to avoid. Children are impressionable in so many ways. Encounters, words spoken and messages sent their way can leave lasting emotional scars.
The Billy Joel song” “The Way You Are” had a special significance in our home and ultimately as the years progressed and my daughter began to question why she was going for laser treatments. It became harder and harder to rationalize to a young child that you need to go through this series of unpleasant experiences, changing you for a long term greater gain that at that moment you don’t comprehend in anyway, but yes we really do love you just the way your are! When the emotional trauma created from trying to mask away the birthmark eventually became more harmful than living with the birthmark on one side of her face the decision was made to stop the treatments and truly accept and love our daughter just the way she was meant to be.
My daughter still felt good about herself at that innocent age. She was too young to understand what was going on with her body but she heard those words. It still hurts as a parent remembering how others kept chipping away at my child’s positive self-image. And yes, she still has the remnants of a faint birthmark on her face that has followed her as she grew up. Some of those early experiences and fears have mushroomed into medical procedure and intervention hesitancies that are a load that she still carries, like heavy baggage throughout adulthood. The world can be a cruel place when you have something different about your body. The value of appearance is so important in society. Like a stain that won’t go away it continues to catch your eye forever. As parents we go into fierce defense mode at the time but we can’t live their lives for them. So our kids do bear the weight and the consequences of good and bad experiences during those important developmental years later in life. Only she can fully voice how it impacted her life and her social and emotional wellness.
Thoughtless words send messages to a child that can make them doubt themselves. Growing up is challenging enough navigating through their world. Uncertainty breeds anxiety and that is never a healthy state of mind regardless of age. Recognizing and understanding the significant role and the importance of emotions is so important. Words do matter and they have the power to upset and alter our state of mind and wellbeing. My daughter is in her thirties now. All the insinuations that something was wrong with her made by herself after hearing an insensitive comment voiced during her childhood has likely had a lasting impact in ways that I will never really know for sure. Perhaps it has eaten away at her confidence levels, tainted her opinions, messed with her relationships, limited her aspirations and social interactions or ultimately influenced decisions and choices she has made in life. Sticks and stones can break a bone and words can hurt you, too. So, please be kind and take the time to think before you speak.
Karen Boschee
Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher
