Reminisce and Reflect with me.  

A quick READ.

Playing in the park in nineteen-ninety-something. 101 Dalmations, with scary haired Cruella De Vil, was a family favorite.  We had our favorite spots for summertime play.  I had just unveiled my own frightening retro 80’s curly hair perm.  Climbing on monkey bars and jungle gyms, building castles in the sand, sliding down long, hot, slippery slides and riding the old rocking horses.  Just having fun together.

Rejuvenation of the human spirit, heart, mind and body being part of this beautiful summer day feeling good and watching my little ones having so much fun playing.  Then we had a picnic.

The girls revealed with kid’s brutal honesty, telling me many times and in many ways, that they hated my curly hair.  At bedtime that night they wanted to know if my hair would be gone by morning!  As perms go NO….. I’m afraid they had to get use to the new curly me.

Hindsight Reflection #1   Children learn so much through play.  Stand back and let them do what comes naturally.  Safety standards have since taken many of those playground favorites away even though countless kids successfully had fun on them! Be safe but let them imagine and explore.

Hindsight Reflection #2  Working parents will always cherish those ordinary everyday moments they spend with their children and wish that they had many more.  

Hindsight Reflection #3  Honesty is always the best policy.  Kids tell it like it is.  Listen to them.  They haven’t learned to filter yet.  That curly hair was never a good look on me!

Thank you for joining me.

Karen

How could a 9-year-old child die by suicide?  That is the question many parents were asking themselves when headlines reporting the death of a young Syrian girl surfaced earlier this year in Alberta.  Having raised three children of my own and having taught many children including ESL immigrant students just like this Syrian girl I found this tragedy alarming.

I have written previously about recognizing the signs of mental health issues and illnesses in children.  This was a very sad and extreme example of why it is so important.  Although suicide has not touched my own family directly, I am reminded of a student that I taught in elementary school many years ago who during her adolescent high school years attempted suicide.  How did that happy child that I knew get to such a deep dark place in her young life?

Most parents know and accept that they are going to be given the responsibility and lead role regarding  their children’s health and well-being.  They enroll their kids in good schools.  Love and care for them.  Give them a variety of experiences.  Sign them up for sports activities.  Provide them with medical, dental and vision care.  Save for their future perhaps post-secondary education.  Perhaps spend a fortune on braces and a litany of other things.  Read together.  Give them hugs and jump through hoops for them.

Parents can see how all that is contributing to the growth and development of their son or daughter throughout childhood and adolescence.  But, how are they really feeling and how are they coping with daily life?  Don’t forget to advocate as well for good mental health!  This is what parents cannot see as easily.  It may be hidden within, camouflaged, misinterpreted or misunderstood even by those people closest to them.

Parents and teachers need to be sensitive to and aware of “cries for help” from the young people around them.  Suicide is never a random act.  Look closely when deep dark feelings settle in because the risk factors and warning signs will be there.

Children or adolescents who consider or attempt suicide desperately want their life to change and get better but can’t find a way to cope with their problems and feelings of despair.

Sadly, at this young age many children do not yet have a realistic or accurate understanding of death.  This 9-year old girl may have wanted to stop the pain and gain more control in her life.  She may have wanted attention and empathy from significant people around her but may not have expected to really die.

Children who have been through life-changing events or are grieving a loss have a greater risk for mental illness.  It is not a stretch to predict that many immigrant or refugee children entering our school systems are struggling to fit into an unfamiliar sometimes not very accepting new culture.  They are learning a new language and some may have come from traumatic environments.  At the same time they are missing their home, family, friends and everything that was familiar to them.  This surely is a recipe for stress that may challenge their self-esteem, resilence and positive thinking.

Environmental factors, life events and specific character traits can make children and adolescents more susceptible to mental health and wellness issues.  Living in a dysfunctional family with conflict and lack of support are obviously huge sources of anxiety and distress.

The inherent nature and prevalence of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) with the characteristic impulsivity and inability to learn or clearly understand the consequences of choices or behaviors is a concern when considering the state of mind and mental health of many young people.  

Gender identity issues make LGBTQ youth more at risk. A history of self-harming behavior or substance abuse increases that risk.  Indigenous adolescents are also over represented in deaths by suicide.

When children or adolescents are feeling that they are not fitting in or if they have become a victim of bullying or cyberbullying this can create an overwhelming cycle of self-doubt and despair.  Risk factors and causes can compound together to intensify the deep dark feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. 

Mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, eating and conduct disorders carry a higher risk for suicide. The word disorder speaks for itself, when things in life get out of control and emotions get mixed up it makes it harder to think rationally and positively.  Adults or children in this situation may struggle to solve problems, make decisions and take appropriate actions.

Look closely because early symptoms of mental health disorders may be starting to emerge in a child’s life making it harder for them to function at home and school.  Some signs may be subtle or misinterpreted. Adolescents especially may find it easier to express their feelings on social media.  This is where they can search out information about suicide and be influenced by others in chat rooms.

So, what can parents do if they believe that their child is suffering from serious mental distress, pain and unhappiness that could lead to self-harm?  Immediatley seek out help from mental health professionals who can assess the immediacy of the danger risk for their son or daughter.  Doctors and counsellors can take action and provide the appropriate intervention.  A longer-term treatment plan can be initiated that will likely include medication and therapy.

Uncovering and understanding the factors that are causing a child or adolescent to have such deep dark feelings and potential suicidal thoughts and behaviors is crucial. Resolving issues and helping them  to regain a more positive perspective on life along with strengthening their resiliency and coping skills is the goal of any intervention.

Communication is so important when dealing with all children.  Listen supportively and non-judgmentally.  Tell your child that help is available and that things will get better.  Try to avoid leaving them alone.  Express your concerns about their health and safety but be honest about confidentiality issues because you will need to seek out additional help for your child.

Ultimately a child needs to feel loved, understood, supported, appreciated and valued.  That is a parent’s role and responsibility.  This process should involve all family members and other significant people in the child’s life like teachers and friends.  Creating a safe, supportive, accepting and inclusive environment for children in the home and at school is imperative for good mental health and wellness. Don’t underestimate the role that social acceptance and peer relationships play in fostering or sabataging our sons and daughters social and emotional well-being.  Children want to feel that they belong and that they are connected to their friends, classmates and the school community.

We don’t have a crystal ball and can’t possibly predict all that may happen in our children’s lives.  By helping them to identify and express their feelings from a young age we can reduce the risk that deep dark feelings may persist and lead to mental health problems.  Children need to experience coping with stress and conflict in life so that they can learn from these situations how to communicate what they are feeling to others and become more resilient.

Suicide is very rare in younger children but that doesn’t mean that they are not susceptible to serious emotional upsets.We are all social creatures and for most children and adolescents distress at home and at school is linked to relationship problems with family and friends.

 If you do have a child who has a diagnosed mental health disorder monitoring and managing of this illness is going to be an important long-term responsibility to avoid serious relapses or escalations of this chronic condition.  These parents carry their own deep-down fears that they will discover one day that their child no longer wants to deal with the struggles and pain that they are experiencing, and you have not been able to prevent a possible tragic result.

How could any child die by suicide?  That is the question parents need to ask themselves.  Deep dark feelings can make any child feel vulnerable, defenseless, easily influenced, broken and at risk. 

Children who find themselves in such a dark place obviously needed help long before they reached that crisis point. When parents accept that leading role to be responsible for their children’s basic needs and good health they also need to remember to always be mindful of their mental health and well-being.  

Thank you for joining me!

Karen

If you want to read more on this topic here are some websites for you to visit.

Children and Suicide – Centre For Suicide Prevention https://www.suicideinfo.ca/resources/not-a-child/

10 Things Parents Can Do to Prevent Suicide – https://www.healthychildren.org/Enflish/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems

Suicides Under Age 13 – https://www.cnn.com/2017/08/14/health/child-suicides/index.html

Suicide and Self Harm – Key Issues in Reducing Risk and Preventing Harm – https://mylearningspace.wlu.ca/d21/le/content/263204/viewContent/159281/view

Reminisce and Reflect with me.  A quick READ.

Family drive in nineteen-ninety-something.  Families were enjoying watching the Lion King for the first time in theatres.  Our pride rock was being challenged by something quite different.  That unpredictable, irrational, seemingly incurable, highly contagious condition called arachnophobia!  Along came a spider and sat down beside her and we had yet another child afraid of bugs!

I know that they came by it honestly.  Mother dear has been frightened many times herself.  This spider was spotted in the back seat of my car on the way home and a certain little lady went crazy with fear.  She wouldn’t sit in that seat again for days.  It became known as the infamous spider seat.  All was fine again until the following week when another spider was spotted hanging from the roof of the car on the other side of the back seat!  You guessed it the fight for the middle seat went on for years!

Hindsight Reflection #1  Life isn’t always going to be a ride in the park.  There will be bumps in the road along the way.

Hindsight Reflection #2  Exposure therapy doesn’t always work.  Some childhood fears and phobias are hard to grow out of!

Hindsight Reflection #3  Facing fears as a kid is good practice for adulthood when you learn you will have to face many kinds of spiders in life all by yourself.  But  sometimes a big emotional outburst still feels like the best response!

Thank you for joining me.

Karen

Reminisce and Reflect with me.  A quick READ.

Mother’s Day nineteen ninety-something.  The girls had lovely gifts for Mom.  Then we all went out to find Mom’s, throw back to her own childhood, gift for herself.  A brand new mountain bike.

After a few good rides that bike was stolen out of the backyard.  Fortunately, recovered still in one piece at the local police station!  Sadly, hung in the garage motionless for many years because life got busy and my girls just weren’t into biking.  But, the wait was worth it because nearly twenty-five years later that Mother’s Day gift and Mom really do ride in the mountains now!

Hindsight Reflection #1  Moms should always find ways to treat themselves.

Hindsight Reflection #2  Your kids may not like everything you like but they should still learn how to ride a bike!

Hindsight Reflection #3  “It’s like riding a bike you never forget how.”  Childhood passions always bring us joy and you can take off again where you left off!

Thank you for joining me.

Karen

Reminisce and Reflect with me.  A quick READ.

Continue reading “Hindsight REWIND” →

Reminisce and Reflect with me.  A quick READ.

Continue reading “Hindsight REWIND!” →

Children who have a healthy body image feel good about themselves and have more confidence and higher self-esteem.  Body image is one of the essential puzzle pieces that together form a child’s identity.  Body image is how we see ourselves and what we feel and believe about our body.  We use our body to function in so many ways!  So why not learn to appreciate and celebrate who you are during childhood?

  Children need to be taught at a young age that people come in different shapes, sizes and genders.  They need to learn that personality is an important part of being you.  They need to accept and embrace their individuality.

A healthy body image grows over time.  Ideally, we want our children to believe that who they are inside is more important than what they look like on the outside.  “Like me for who I am not what I look like!”  It sounds so simple.  It should be easy.  But, unfortunately, unconditional love and effective parenting are still not a guarantee that a son or daughter will accept and believe in themselves because so many factors can influence child development.

As children grow older, they compare themselves with other kids.  They want to feel good about how they look and what they can do.  If they feel that they are measuring up it builds up their self-esteem.  If they are not measuring up in their own eyes it can lead to problems in the future.  Having a positive body image at a young age will help children cope better with the inevitable changes their bodies will go through as they mature.  

Often children worry and fixate on things that they don’t understand or cannot control or change.  Over time being preoccupied with physical appearance and feeling uncomfortable inside their own body can take its toll on their mental and physical health and wellness.  This can lead to mental health issues and unhealthy eating habits.

If you have been reading my blogs, you will have recognized by now that the mental health of children is a priority in my mind and I believe that hindsight recommendations and ideas can be very valuable.  Sometimes parents do things with the best intentions in mind but without knowing the real effect it will have on their children.  Sometimes they just make mistakes because parenting is hard and nobody is perfect.

Anxiety issues, perfectionism and a prominent birthmark were some challenges that I may not have handled as well as I could have with my own children.  It took an honest little voice many years ago asking the question “mommy don’t you love me the way I am?” to convince me that some of my efforts to control or change my children were not the best way to parent and show my unconditional love.  I was really interfering with their own developmental journey and possibly harming them.  Years later I can see that even those traits or things that I considered problems at the time have all helped to create the adults that they are today.

So how can parents help?  Things are going to change whether you like it or not.  You can’t live their lives for them.  All you can do is guide them and help them to be the best that they can be.  At every stage of development, a parent can do things that will nurture their child’s body image and self-esteem.

Concentrate on building strong relationships with your children, keep the lines of communication open and reduce family stress.  There is truth in Tina Turner’s words “happiness is the greatest beauty secret”.  Encourage your child to maintain a positive attitude.

Teach them about their body.  Help them learn how to take care of their body.  Say nice things about how your children look but also encourage them to show you what they can do.  Choose your words carefully and consider the sensitivity of your children and the negative consequences your words may have on their developing body image.  Try not to draw undue attention to weight issues and instead promote healthy eating and exercise.

We know that children will be influenced by role models in their life.  Parents can have a positive or negative impact in this area based on their own attitudes towards appearance, weight, gender identity and ethnicity.  Try not to share your own negative self-esteem with your children.  Demonstrate positive thinking and help them deal with their emotional baggage but try not to share your own. 

Modeling behaviors and making unkind negative observations and comments about other people’s body size or eating habits promotes inappropriate habits.  Even facial expressions and nonverbal cues can give children confusing messages about good health and happiness.  It infers that a specific appearance is more desirable and implies that attractiveness is a more important determinant of good character than human nature and what a person can do.  Try not to pass on your own biases and negative opinions about other people.

In society there are still many gender-based expectations.  Advertising and marketing strongly promotes how girls and boys should look, behave and what they should be interested in.  Catherine-Steiner-Adair recommends complimenting children on a variety of different qualities and reminds them to consider the messages that they are giving their sons and daughters.

When parents are trying to nurture self-esteem and build confidence in their child praising them too much can do more harm than good.  Give appropriate praise that is specific and earned.  Randi Chapnik Myers suggests that constant over praise can make children think that they are perfect, or it can make them relentlessly try to be perfect all the time.  Either way this is not going to foster a healthy body image or self–esteem.  Unreliable or false praise is confusing.

Children need to discover their own unique strengths and skills.  They need to be taught that feeling special does not mean that they should feel better than other people.  Self-esteem comes from feeling loved and competent because you have gone through the process of developing skills and interacted with others.

Social and environmental pressures influence our children every day.  Technology and social media have allowed messaging to intrude so much more into the lives of this generation of children.  Parents need to understand the strong influence that social media, friends and society can have on their children.

The subtle and sometimes blatant messages portrayed in the media that thinner people are better can be very harmful.  Limiting and censoring what your children are viewing is a difficult thing to do.  Instead, try watching more things together and participating in more activities with your child so that there are opportunities for important conversations about how people are being portrayed in different roles and situations.  Try to provide both sons and daughters with more realistic perspectives about what is considered attractive.

Negative body image can be a precursor to mental health issues like anxiety, depression and eating disorders.  Other biological and genetic factors combined with personality will also contribute to the mental and physical wellness of children and their subsequent body image and self-esteem.

Consider that we are all exposed to media and online propaganda and must navigate our way through the social environment that we are exposed to and the potential negative influences found there.  Yet not all children or adults will suffer from mental health issues or eating disorders.  Siblings raised in the same family and exposed to the same environment will develop their own body images.  Children are unique and will receive and interpret these kinds of messages in different ways.

Approach and manage appearance issues and weight gain or loss carefully and sensitively with your children.  Minimize triggers associated with negative body image and focus instead on other more positive components of their identity.  Some children will have a predisposition for mental health issues that will emerge during their lifetime.  Poor body image and low self-esteem are common symptoms of mental health disorders like anxiety, depression, unhealthy dieting and eating disorders.

Love, accept and support your children the way they are!  In her article about parenting challenges, Margot Starbuck asked her 3-year old daughter, the question “If there was one thing, I could change about you, what would it be?”  The first time she asked this question her daughter replied “My hair?  My eyes?”  “No!” she said.  “Nothing.  There’s nothing I would change about you!”  Her daughter was relieved to hear this and smiled back at her mom.  This question was asked many more times over the years until Margot was convinced that her daughter understood what she was trying to teach her.  Eventually she consistently responded back was an exuberant nothing!  Blessing our child with a healthy attitude towards his or her body is part of unconditional love.

There are many  children’s stories for parents and children to read together that address this common childhood challenge of finding our true identity amongst a sea of other people.  Our body is like a friend that needs to be liked, respected and treated well and in return it will love and support you back. There may be roadblocks, changes, challenges, surprises, and unforeseen circumstances along the way for our children.  But, with your love and support having a positive attitude, a good body image, high self-esteem, and resilience will make it easier for them to navigate life, to keep their ducks in a row and celebrate the individuals that they truly are inside and out.

Thank you for joining me!

Karen

If you want to read more here are some websites for you.

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/body-image.html

https://pickanytwo.net/raise-a-daughter-who-feels-beautiful/

https://pickanytwo.net/what-to-teach-your-daughter-about-her-weight/

https://www.parentinginottawa.ca/en/children/Body-Image-and-Self-esteem.aspx

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting-challenges/modeling-a-healthy-body-image-to-your-kids

https://parenthetical.wisc.edu/a-parents-role-in-body-image/

http://www.pbs.org/parents/parenting/raising-girls/body-image-identity/raising-a-girl-with-a-positive-body-image/

https://www.psychologytoday.com – Your Child’s Self Esteem Starts With You/ Psychology Today Canada

https://www.todayspar/ent.com/family/parenting/how-to-build-your-childs-self-esteem

As we get older our need for connections continues but the opportunities to form new and lasting relationships become less.  Family ties can make life more meaningful and richer.  Blogger Jennifer Wise says it so well.  There is POWER in connections.  We need each other.  We all need a source of strength, a place to belong, and a group of people that we can count on.

Building strong family connections and emotional bonds with children when they are young, with the ability to communicate and support one another is especially important because it gives the them attention they need and makes them feel more understood and loved.  Blogger Melissa Peduzzi adds that our family bonds become the building blocks for every other relationship in our lives. 

Having been a teacher as well as a parent for many years I have had the privilege of seeing the joy and excitement on the faces of young children as they eagerly move among their classmates passing out and collecting Valentines cards.  The value of friendship is learned at a young age.  The POWER of connection, community and the need to belong is a strong one.

We soon learn though that friendships may come and go over a lifetime but hopefully your family connections will last and become cherished and dependable friendships, too.  I knew that I didn’t want to be just a mom or a parent to my children.  I wanted to be their friend.  I am not minimizing the significance or the responsibility of the parental role but when you are communicating and interacting now with sons or daughters, consider how much you will all benefit when they are adults from having become friends not just relatives.  Continue reading “Connections” →

Thriving successful children are enjoying life and feeling confident and secure about themselves.  They are making friends, being included and participating in social activities.  They are making progress and learning at school.  Working and playing well with their classmates.  Growing and developing children communicate effectively with others and cope well with life’s challenges.  They show resilience and demonstrate growing independence and problem-solving skills.  They consistently behave responsibly, respectfully and compassionately.

That is what we want our children to show us at home and at school.  But every child is an individual and can hesitate, stumble or fall in any one of these areas and give parents an indication that something in that child’s life is not quite right. It may start out as a small hint but over time can become a much bigger signal that there could be a problem. For some children it may be a mental health issue.

Don’t ignore the signs!  It is important to understand that people of any age can experience mental distress and that there are different kinds of mental illness that children and adults can develop.  If you observe changes in patterns of behavior and sense that there may be an issue with a son or daughter do the right thing.  Dig deep to find the root of the problem and then seek out appropriate help for your child.     
Continue reading “Signs” →

It is that time of year when many of us are searching for that perfect gift. Consider for a moment the gift of time.  A quote from a book that I reread recently struck a chord and reminded me of the importance of taking the time to live more in the present appreciating the people, places and things around me.

Adults do tend to get absorbed in their to do lists and forget to stop and smell the coffee so to speak.  If you watch children, you will see that they are naturally so much better at seeing and enjoying the good things that are going on around them.  Until they are taught what is expected or accepted, they simply live in the moment.

For parents this can be a great gift that they receive or learn from their children.  This gift is about more than just practicing mindfulness to achieve greater happiness because “every time we are not fully engaged in the moment is time we have lost forever!”

I would like to share a treasured quote that I also recently rediscovered.  It used to hang in a prominent place on the agenda board in my kitchen.  Somehow over the years its prominence diminished, and its importance got ignored until it was covered up and forgotten completely!  I found it behind the calendar usually filled with a busy family’s agenda of events and activities.

It says, “THE POINT IS NOT TO DO REMARKABLE THINGS, BUT TO DO ORDINARY THINGS WITH THE CONVICTION OF THEIR IMMENSE IMPORTANCE.”  Worthwhile words of wisdom at any age!

As I prepare my traditional family photo display for this past year and file pictures away into old school albums, I quietly enjoy remembering the special memories captured in those images.  I know the idea of living more in the present is not a new one and I want to give full credit to authors who have professed this advice before me.  But it is an idea that resonates in my mind and heart more frequently now.  So, there must be truth in the saying that wisdom comes with age because in our younger busier lives this is advice that we often ignore and rarely take.

Since my retirement this past year I am frequently asked what has been the best thing about retiring?  My response is always the same.  I have been given the gift of time and more sleep!  Both have been so valuable because of their restorative nature physically, mentally and spiritually. Proof of how much more balance and perspective I might have gained sooner in life if I had slowed down and just enjoyed a few more precious moments each day.

I must admit sometimes when I look back over old photos and think about past family events my memories are not as clear as I thought they would be. Perhaps I should have taken more time to savor those special moments when they were happening.  If I had not been so busy, maybe I would have participated more actively and recorded them more vividly in my brain. Or at least I should have taken time to write down more of my treasured memories.

Recognizing that some of the quieter endearing moments in life do make you feel happier, more content, effective and successful can be very enlightening.  Doing ordinary things is remarkably important.  Living in the present more gives your life meaning and influences those around you in a positive way.  Lasting memories are created from a variety of moments in time.  Consider what are the images and memories that you want your children to carry with them in future years?

I promised myself that I would keep this blog posting shorter so that you can take this moment to think about the importance of giving the gift of time to yourself and to the significant others in your lives.  The time you spend with your children or family will inevitably change and evolve but hopefully the nurturing and restorative power of these precious moments will not diminish in their importance.

Learning to be there and LIVE MORE in the PRESENT TIME appreciating the people, places and things around us is a gift that truly does keeps giving.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME.

Karen