Maybe I Could Have Been a Better Listener Revisited

Yes, that’s me judging from the permed curly big hair 30 plus years ago teaching in my classroom. I have written on this important topic several times already because listening and comprehension in all aspects of life is a vital skill. I even wrote my Master’s Degree thesis on this issue many years ago. Sometimes I still ask myself as a parent should I have been better at practicing what I preached at school where teaching and expecting good listening skills was an everyday assumption and goal. How many times did I frustrate or disappoint one of my own children during a conversation maybe missing the point or an opportunity to comfort or mentor them better as they grew up. I’m not losing sleep or crying over spilt milk but there really are ways to be a better listener.

Modeling good listening skills is even more important today than it was during my parenting years. Studies are already showing that student school performance and achievement scores are lower now than in previous generations and we don’t need to think to hard to explain what advances in and the distractive and addictive nature of technology may have a lot to do with that. In this busy, distracting and multitasking environment that we all live in perhaps parents could start by pausing and being present in that precious moment when they are interacting and communicating with you. Focus on your child so that you can listen to what they are really saying and meaning.

I’d like to retell my story of finding concerning words written many years ago in my nineteen-ninety something journal. I had written that one of my daughters had said to me “Something is bothering me, Mom. You haven’t been listening to me lately.” Ouch that still hurts to read today. She goes on to say “You haven’t been paying attention to me. That’s why I act silly.” Amazingly accurate insights for a 4 year old and perhaps a fair assessment of my challenging overworked days of motherhood. We are all guilty of it. We spend time with loved ones but are we really listening in the present to what they need? Obviously there is much more mental health context to that story but I want to stick to the point that we can all learn to be better listeners.

Back in my school classrooms I always had a prominent poster hanging on the wall that wisely said “ Learn to Listen. Listen to Learn.” I have to admit that I sometimes am still not the best listener. I use to blame it on my profession as a teacher where it was my job to talk all day long to making a living. But, that was just an excuse for not respecting that conversations especially in our personal lives are two way streets that require listening too. We spend more time in life listening than any other form of communication. I have learned with age and experience that when another person’s emotions are speaking loud and clear through their words I need to sit back, be quiet and just listen.

It’s never too late to brush up on our listening skills. We hear with our ears but we listen with our brain. Be attentive and invested in the moment. Active listening requires paying attention not only to the words being spoken but also to the silent communications, emotional cues, gestures and signs. Listening comprehension is the goal so engage yourself in that moment and try to picture what is being said in your own mind. Children will feel more valued when they can see that you are listening. Don’t allow yourself to just hear but not really understand what your child is trying to communicate. Try not to interrupt their chain of thought. Sit back and listen. When the time is right, ask questions. Trying to visualize what is being said helps to build meaning and make connections in your mind. Again when the time is right restating the information conveyed increases your accountability and gives you an opportunity to clarify and reflect upon what has been communicated to you. Remaining active in the communication process and checking for understanding is so important. By conveying the meaning of a child’s message in that moment including the emotional innuendos and relating or reacting to it in some way shows your interest, connection and empathy.

This process helps our brain to function more effectively and efficiently in many things that we do in life. Thinking back to my elementary classroom teaching years I am reminded that listening and reading require very similar thought processes when receiving information. Readers and listeners both have to construct meaning from words by recalling, retelling and reflecting.

In today’s world so much more listening is done via technology, social media and on our phones and other devices. Life has become much more passive in nature. No wonder some children are starved of that valuable in person experience and contact that my daughter was describing all those years ago. Like her they just want and need to be listened to face to face especially by their parents. My kids are all adults now and seemingly doing fine but the bottom line remains the same. Parents need to be good communicators and that includes listening.

Thinking back to my young daughter and her “silly behaviors” perhaps I should have asked myself then “How could I have been a better listener?” Another prominent poster in my classrooms read “Learn to Listen. Listen to Learn. Yes, it’s time that we all try to make more sense of the people around us and the world we live in. It takes effort and practice. Your children won’t expect you to fix everything in their lives but hopefully they will always want you to listen to them. Active listening is one of the most important skills that you can have in your parenting toolbox. If you are aware of what they are going through and the situations that they are facing you can offer them support. Having that connection with them will help them to become more resilient, responsible and caring people themselves that value your guidance, strength and love for a lifetime.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

I Can Do It Moments!

It was an exciting day in our house many years ago. My oldest daughter who was 6 or 7 at the time had submitted a picture that she had drawn and colored all by herself for the local newspaper weather forecaster. It surprised and delighted her when we discovered that it had been published right on the front page of the Sunday Journal!

Buckets full of praise and encouragement was sent her way that day. I couldn’t find it but I know that I still have that old newspaper clipping saved somewhere in my house because that moment meant something for my daughter and would be an important memory. It was an I can do it moment!

From years of classroom teaching and my own childrearing experiences I know that children benefit from positive reinforcement or more simply put, PRAISE. When they consistently hear those words slowly but surely they become more capable and confident in their own abilities. It’s nurturing food for a child’s brain. As they experience “I can do it moments” hopefully they will begin to believe that Yes, I can learn to do many more things in life.

You have already heard this many times but it is so important. The messages that we send to our kids can be powerful. You always want your child’s bucket or glass to be half full not empty. It’s about promoting self-esteem and ambition in our sons or daughters. So they will have the gumption to try new things or have the willingness and patience to preserver throughout life. Sometimes chasing their dreams but more likely having the patience to just hang in there and try to do their best in whatever life has in store for them.

Praise effort along with success. That is what will promote resiliency. A parent’s big challenge is to nurture their child’s self-esteem as they grow and develop skills. Life isn’t always going to be kind or fair. This is so vital for good mental health. The key word is good. Good job, good effort, good ideas, good choices. A child should never have to be exceptional to gain your praise and recognition. Excellence and success everyday and in everything that we do is not a realistic expectations. The important thing is trying and learning and being happy and proud of ourselves and our accomplishments.

My daughter has since had many more I can do it moments and successes in her lifetime of experiences and accomplishments. Her creative and artistic skills continued to be fostered along with the many other roots of her mind, body and soul. Today she is a doctor and a mother herself. We have no way of knowing what will be instore for our most precious cargo in the future. Parents need to provide their sons and daughters with as many tools and words of praise as we can to prepare them for future pathways in life.

Years later now my three year old granddaughter likes to draw and color pictures for me. Yes, Grandma joins in with the smiles, praise and the celebration of her milestones and the many things that she can do. Ideally she too will become a confident and strong women one day that will have had lots of I can do it moments.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent, & Retired Teacher

Kids, Water and Summer Equals Fun!

They say that you can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink. Fortunately, water fun was never an issue for my kids. Swimming pools and waterslides were a favorite destination back in nineteen-ninety-something for our family.

Navigating countless crowded, steamy, slippery, chlorine infused communal showers and change rooms was part of each child’s journey. And mine too! Trying to stay dry straddling benches and stuffing lockers while fully clothed and hot myself was a challenge. Carrying wet towels, multiple backpacks and belongings while trying not to think about all the athletes’ foot fungus and pink eye germs potentially surrounding us was a parent’s nightmare. In the name of good fun and parenting I persevered. My three girls had their eyes set on successfully climbing the swimming ladder of buoyant animals like otters, seals and dolphins at the local pool each summer during their young childhood.

Then once the kids were in the pool and afloat parents patiently sat down, waited and watched. No scrolling through your phone. They weren’t a thing back then. Internet accessibly was at home or work only if you had a computer. Instead, you happily read your paperback book, started a conversation with the parent beside you, entertained siblings, or maybe just enjoyed watching your little one splashing, swimming, diving and having fun playing in the water.

Kids, water and summer just go together! Following the enthusiasm currents and riding the waves of fun I made an important decision that summer day. Enjoy it while you can, Mom. Your kids are being supervised by someone else for 45 minutes and learning a life skill at the same time. Despite the possible disappointment of being stuck at dolphin and never making it to the Starfish levels I signed my kids up for another set of swimming lessons that summer. Then like a machine my wash, rinse, dry and repeat cycle continued.

It’s a good thing that nurturing affordable places like community pools and recreation centers still exist for kids to play, learn and have fun in. Thirty plus years later I’m still going to that same place! But now I’m exercising or helping out with my grandchildren as they navigate through their swimming pool adventures. Such is the circle of life. I’m still trying not to think about the athletes’ foot fungus and pink eye germs potentially surrounding us while holding a baby or drying off a wet child!

Life is going to be full of sink or swim moments. My kids were having fun and learning to swim many years ago, but I know now that they were also experiencing degrees of independence and learning how to stay afloat in the future, too! There will be many more challenges and ladders of success for kids to climb in life beyond the swimming pool and many more places for parents to become masters of waiting and watching!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

That’s My Mommy! What Does She Really Mean?

To set the stage for this post I will share with you that not many moms can say that they were also their children’s first teacher. That was indeed the unique reality of our family. I taught elementary school for many years including when my own three girls were young. When each of them started school they joined me in my kindergarten classroom. It just made sense for us at the time especially because there was a daycare at my school making child care so much easier until they were all in school full time. Maintaining resiliency was important and a priority for our mental and physical health. So for our family spending less time and stress driving in the car for pick up times and more time together during the day made taking my children to work with me a unique and memorable time for us all.

Although in my recollections most days went smoothly in our classroom on one occasion I remember a particularly heated daycare meltdown with one of my daughters. After school when I came to pick up my girls another child recognized their teacher and immediately came running over to give me a big hug and say good bye when my middle daughter suddenly and rudely intercepted him and said “NO” this is not your teacher this is MY MOMMY!” Obviously in that moment I was both mom and teacher but sometimes sharing is a hard concept for young kids. Sharing mommy was hard that day for my daughter. Actions usually speak louder than words but when both coincide pay attention and dig deeper for the real message being conveyed. Your child is needing something. Young brains have a lot of maturing to do and emotions quickly take over . Kids wear their hearts on their sleeve. There are times when every child just wants to feel special and demands your time and attention but needless to say that was not the ideal nurturing moment.

Looking back now I encourage tired and stressed moms and dads to savor those times when your kids are young and you are at the center of their universe. Too soon that will all change and you will become the one searching out time and connections with them as they lead their own full and busy adult lives. When parents recognize and accept the importance of their children’s emotions everyone’s mental health will more likely thrive. All children need some me, myself and I time with a parent. At home of course my kids competed for attention that’s normal behavior. One built a cave on her bed. Soon her sister tried to build a better cave. Next my oldest daughter wanted mom to color with her until the siblings soon showed up with crayons and coloring book in hand. Family life is a juggling act!

Over the years as my kids got old enough not only to show that they needed more time and affection from Mom they could tell me in precise detail how they wished that I didn’t work so much. That really makes a parent feel terrible. I am reminded of a very sad young daughter who was concerned that Mom wouldn’t be able to come to her parent-teacher conference afterschool because I was a teacher myself and would be doing the same thing working at a different school. I tried to reassure her that she was my priority that day and that I could do a pretty good job of juggling my work and home schedule so that I would be there in her classroom when she needed me. I did make it to her conference but there was some emotional capital lost that day. The truth was sadly that even after trying to be everywhere and everything to everyone my kids saw through that unrealistic goal. She was still worried! I guess I was still falling short in her eyes some days and that hurts.

Some days I did feel guilty for working and not being home with my own kids but being a working parent was a necessity in our family and teaching was always an important part of my life because it was something that I enjoyed and was good at which made me a happier and better parent in the long run. Mom’s have needs, too. It felt good to be doing something for me. But, being a supermom all the time is an unrealistic self-fulfilling fallacy. Something is going to fail and someone is going to suffer or be hurt or disappointed and that someone quite likely will be you, Mom. Try not to divide yourself into too many pieces or put too many eggs in your basket in a day. We all have our breaking points. My kids are grown up now and have family’s of their own. Grandma still tries her best to be everywhere and everything to support them when I am able because I know now from experience what a great juggling act family life can be.

Resiliency, dedication, wisdom, patience and most importantly love is what parents should be striving for not perfection. There is only one you to go around. It’s the universally wonderful imperfection of parenting and a valuable lesson for children to learn.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Many Hands Can Make Less Work

This morning my oldest daughter helped my youngest daughter get dressed. Hugged and kissed her and sent her happily off to school just like a little mommy would! Then she said to me “You know I really like to do this.” That was a sudden halleluiah parenting moment for me written over 30 years ago when I realized all those days when my daughter had seemingly been in my way while I was dashing around the house trying to get everyone ready for work and school, I should have been letting her HELP MOM do some of the work that was causing me so much stress.

It can be easier, kinder and more productive to include rather that exclude your children from daily tasks in the home. Not to mention eliminating some of the many “No’s” in your life might actually ease the tension and make family days more pleasant for everyone. I admit I was and still often am a control freak and likely I was an intense bossy mom some days. But, I believed I was showing competence and leadership in that time and space. A common misassumption made by parents trying to do the best that they can, is that doing tasks yourself will be faster, better and easier. Sometimes this is true and necessary, but at other times your children may be missing out on valuable learning opportunities that will give them more confidence, incentive and skills that they will use to their advantage in the future.

Children learn by doing things. They will be expected to pitch in and help out at daycare and at school and years down the line they will need to function efficiently in a group, on a team ,at a workplace or in their own home. So why not start at a young age in your home? As a busy working mom I remember doing many of our domestic chores late into the evenings so that I could spend more precious quality time with my children. I have learned with age and observation that the definition of quality time can mean many different things. The key is doing things together.

Just this past week when my daughter, who is now herself a busy working mom, was Face Time visiting with me, and wanted to share one of her own young daughter’s favorite things to do in the kitchen with Mommy. I got quite a surprise. My granddaughter, still a toddler, was hovering over the pulled down dishwasher drawer, with reasonable care and supervision of course, helping to unload the dishwasher. Wow, I thought how cute, but also there’s the proof is in the pudding! Maybe there can be a better balance of mixing work and play together within the home. Encourage your children don’t discourage them. Practical experiences do pay off in the future. Teamwork is a good concept within a family, just as it is in so many other situations in life. Indeed many hands can make less work and more fun together, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher