A Place At the Table Means So Much

On a hot summer day many years ago, our three young girls sat down to eat dinner and simultaneously shrieked with a look of shock on their faces as they stared across the table at their dad sitting with no shirt on. It certainly wasn’t the dress code norm for meals so it was a funny moment we shared together. It was even funnier when they bent down to look under the table to check if he was really nude! Obviously he wasn’t so we all laughed even harder. Time spent together as a family should be full of spontaneous precious and sometimes funny moments like that.

Sharing a place at the table with family members is the kind of routine interaction that offers so many positive moments for both parents and children. It is a gift of time. I have often referred to and shared a quote that I read, and it has stuck with me because it has rung true so many times in life since and especially as a parent. It says ” The point is not to do remarkable things but to do ordinary things with the conviction of their immense importance.”

Whenever you eat together it does more than just nurture your body it also feeds the hearts and minds of those present. Talking together is a healthy way to share the good and bad highlights of one’s day. Sitting with people you share a bond with can also be a comforting source of reassurance, comradery and love. It centers us and reminds us especially with family that we have roots and a sense of worth and security. This is very important for good mental health at any age. It fosters positive thinking which will promote resiliency and self-efficacy. Opening up to and sharing our lives with others helps and encourages us to recognize that our emotions and how we express them are windows looking into or mirrors reflecting out the status of our current mental health and wellness.

I was a working mom raising three young children decades ago now and full disclosure we didn’t eat at that table every evening. Restaurant meals were a treat occasionally, fast food meals in the car and take out were often times a necessity. The amount of time and the place didn’t matter the important thing was that we tried hard to spend some time together each day. Eating together was important and a priority when schedules allowed for it. And that’s not the only thing we did sitting around that table. Besides breakfasts, lunches and dinners it was homework central, a place to tell stories, solve problems, read books, play games, do puzzles, attempt crafting projects, watch tv and of course talk and laugh together. Many family celebrations have been and still are hosted at this table.

This old table has been a central place for our family to gather for many years. A place where we now share fond memories because my children are all grown and have their own homes and families now. It is still my special place where we took the time to be there for one another as a family. Feeling that we belong is a human need. That’s the point I was referring to earlier we don’t have to do remarkable things because the ordinary things we do together have immense importance. Having a place at the table really does mean so much.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Some Boundaries Will Be Challenged But Keep the Faith

It was one of those epic snowy winter days common where I live. I had been home sick from work along with my two youngest children. We all had terrible colds but still had to bundle up and venture out to pick big sister up from school that afternoon. Arriving too late to garner a coveted parking space in front of the school begrudgingly I found one of the last stalls in the community hall skating rink parking lot at the far end of the school yard. Taking a child in each hand we trudged through the snow and entered the school just as the dismissal bell rang.

Still sniffling, we waited in the crowded nineteen-ninety something school hallway as it filled up with more parents and children milling about. My inquisitive often impatient middle child had slipped from my grasp to peek into classrooms close by. When older sister found us I thought we were all ready to navigate our way to the exit door. It had only been a few seconds but I felt a sudden surge of emotion as I turned around and discovered that my curious little monkey had disappeared! If you have ever been there, you know that indescribable fear and feeling of dread that a missing child brings into your life. This was always one of my greatest fears.

I tried not to panic and began searching the hallways and classrooms. Next, I ran outside to scour the immediate schoolyard. I was getting very worried so I asked several teachers to help while I made my way to the school office to report my child missing. My heart beat faster and faster as I heard the principal calling out my daughter’s name over the PA speakers. By now I was getting frantic and decided to leave my other daughters in the school office so I could head outside again to search around the building one more time. As I walked back towards our car parked in the rink parking lot way across the schoolyard, I thought I spotted a flash of purple in the distance. It was a little person in a purple snowsuit popping up from behind a snowbank, trying to hang on to a sign pole while intermittently sinking back out of sight in the snowdrift. I had found my daughter! She was cold and scared but waiting patiently by our car for Mommy and her sisters!

When I frantically shouted out her name my mind flashed back to losing that same child in the Sears department store at the mall not that long ago. After searching the clothing racks and aisles we found her seemingly unalarmed in an out of bounds staff washroom standing at the sink washing her hands. To think again that I could have lost someone so dear to me so suddenly made me gasp. Then the relief when I realized that my child was safe brought me to tears. Both of those experiences shook me to the core and left me wondering was I really going to lose my daughter some day?

Hindsight had not yet blessed me with insight and perspective and she is now, years later, a working mom herself. But, in that moment it was an upsetting incident in parenting and there would be many more to come. Impulse control was never easy for that child and drama often followed her around. That fear would return from time to time during the next several decades as my daughter grew up. I was coming to terms with and learning as all parents must do, that protecting my most precious cargo was not going to be an easy job.

Our kids are going to be unique individuals with brains and minds of their own. We can teach and guide them well but we can not control their every thought and move. On that snowy winter day according to my daughter she had popped into her sister’s classroom for just a few minutes to look around but when she came back out into the hallway she couldn’t find us. She thought that we had left without her! Scared but resourceful and brave she had gone outside to look for us but couldn’t get back in the school because the door was too heavy to open. That night at bedtime, after I had time to count my blessings and calm down I listened to her and I told her that she had been very smart to go back to our car to wait but that she should never have gone off on her own in the first place. Then we had a talk about the importance of staying together. What I was really thinking was thank goodness my daughter was safe but I had never dreamed that my child would leave the building without me. I was wrong.

Years later, my daughter would confide in me that her brain often thought differently than others. We would reminisce about those early disappearing incidents much to her disdain and embarrassment so we instead created a positive spin to it commending her on her resourcefulness when placed in a difficult situation. Some children will be more challenging to raise. Some may veer of course or follow a different pathway. The road may get bumpy and the journey may seem long. Some boundaries will be challenged. As parents we do not have control over everything and we are not entirely guilty or to blame for our children’s destiny and well being. But, we do need to keep the faith, try to be the best parents you can be and always listen to your children.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Mommy’s Get Sick Sometimes, too!

It’s daycare and school pick up time and Mom had another migraine! I’ve been blessed with many wonderful things in life but unfortunately cursed with bad headaches. We did make it home that day but I actually threw up in my favorite yellow winter hat while driving! That was over 30 years ago but it is a parenting memory that sticks with me because in that moment I was feeling quite desperate that I might not be there for my children when they needed me. I can honestly say years later that feeling never does go away even long after your kids have grown up and left the nest.

My children learned from a young age that I’m only human and sometimes mommy gets sick, too. Mutual consideration and caring for one another was a family value that we always encouraged. When I was suffering through one of my bad headaches my youngest daughter would often say “it’s okay mommy we can doctor you”. But, that day there was still that big problem of being the adult in the room and the fact that those three little girls sitting in the back seat couldn’t drive themselves home. Vulnerability is something that parents try so hard to avoid. Being unable to fulfill our responsibilities is a perennial fear.

In that journal posting I went on to reason that I would just have to wait until one of my girls was old enough to drive us all home when mommy gets sick. Fortunately, for migraine suffering moms like me our suffering became much more legitimized and treatable over the years. But, more importantly addressing parent’s physical and mental health needs have also been acknowledged. Due time and effort needs to be given to Mom and/or Dad to ensure that we can continue to be there for our children. Pushing yourself to always keep performing is not a healthy approach to parenting. We all have our vulnerable moments. Recognizing and accepting that you are not going to always be the perfect parent can be a valuable teachable moment for our children. Vulnerability is not something we should hide from our children because learning to recognize and accept our inner feelings will make us a mentally much healthier person. In a family it fosters the ideals of helping one another and working together to make things happen. Children learn by observing but more importantly by doing.

As my children got older if the going occasionally got tough for Mom they pitched in to help in whatever way that they could. I’m reminded of another bad headache parenting day a few years later when my mini van broke down on the way home amidst heavy traffic. My three children were older but still not driving so we all hopped on a transit bus with our backpacks in tow. Made it to the mall parking lot near our home where I proceeded to throw up again this time in a big garbage bin. Not looking like the best role model for mother of the year that day, when approached by a concerned security guard asking in a judgmental tone if “I was alright”? My girls were quick to defend and help me that day. Then we walked the rest of the way home together where they put me to bed because sometimes Mommy’s get sick, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say!

Tonight we almost ate dinner at Pizza Hut! How many times had I let things go in public with my own kids because I was being too soft and sensitive or just plain too tired. NOT TONIGHT! When my kids persisted in acting silly at the restaurant after a long day at work I had reached the breaking point. The leftover food was put into boxes, I marched them out to the car, and we went straight home. Say what you mean and mean what you say, Mom. Children need to learn to live within and not challenge boundaries that you set in life. Especially when your expectations are quite reasonable and appropriate. With greater consistency, guidance and practice polite restaurant behavior can be achieved and that’s a blessing for working moms some nights.

It takes time and consistency for children to learn behaviors. It won’t happen overnight. Case in point, later that same month I remember visiting the doctor’s office with two of my young children. They were perfect little angels throughout one child’s examination. She was a model patient and her overly curious but cute as a button devilish sibling managed to contain herself until we stepped back out into the waiting room. Chaos broke out. They both didn’t want to get their coats and boots on to leave. They wanted to play with the toys. They wanted to play chase and ended up hiding underneath the chairs in the waiting room. I was trying very hard to remain calm and in control, saying what I meant and meaning what I said, with many onlookers likely saying to themselves “look at those awful misbehaving children and their ineffective Mother”. In that moment I was furious and embarrassed as I dragged my kids out by their coat sleeves!

Children can be such a joy and such a pain all at the same time. Consistency will be a challenge but perseverance is the key to success. The truth is those people in the waiting room were probably feeling empathy for me and and like me years later, reminiscing about when they were back in your parenting shoes. As a parent, the reality is that most of the time I likely did say what I meant and meant what I said. I wasn’t perfect and not every day went smoothly but my children did learn and grew up just fine.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher