Maybe I Could Have Been a Better Listener Revisited

Yes, that’s me judging from the permed curly big hair 30 plus years ago teaching in my classroom. I have written on this important topic several times already because listening and comprehension in all aspects of life is a vital skill. I even wrote my Master’s Degree thesis on this issue many years ago. Sometimes I still ask myself as a parent should I have been better at practicing what I preached at school where teaching and expecting good listening skills was an everyday assumption and goal. How many times did I frustrate or disappoint one of my own children during a conversation maybe missing the point or an opportunity to comfort or mentor them better as they grew up. I’m not losing sleep or crying over spilt milk but there really are ways to be a better listener.

Modeling good listening skills is even more important today than it was during my parenting years. Studies are already showing that student school performance and achievement scores are lower now than in previous generations and we don’t need to think to hard to explain what advances in and the distractive and addictive nature of technology may have a lot to do with that. In this busy, distracting and multitasking environment that we all live in perhaps parents could start by pausing and being present in that precious moment when they are interacting and communicating with you. Focus on your child so that you can listen to what they are really saying and meaning.

I’d like to retell my story of finding concerning words written many years ago in my nineteen-ninety something journal. I had written that one of my daughters had said to me “Something is bothering me, Mom. You haven’t been listening to me lately.” Ouch that still hurts to read today. She goes on to say “You haven’t been paying attention to me. That’s why I act silly.” Amazingly accurate insights for a 4 year old and perhaps a fair assessment of my challenging overworked days of motherhood. We are all guilty of it. We spend time with loved ones but are we really listening in the present to what they need? Obviously there is much more mental health context to that story but I want to stick to the point that we can all learn to be better listeners.

Back in my school classrooms I always had a prominent poster hanging on the wall that wisely said “ Learn to Listen. Listen to Learn.” I have to admit that I sometimes am still not the best listener. I use to blame it on my profession as a teacher where it was my job to talk all day long to making a living. But, that was just an excuse for not respecting that conversations especially in our personal lives are two way streets that require listening too. We spend more time in life listening than any other form of communication. I have learned with age and experience that when another person’s emotions are speaking loud and clear through their words I need to sit back, be quiet and just listen.

It’s never too late to brush up on our listening skills. We hear with our ears but we listen with our brain. Be attentive and invested in the moment. Active listening requires paying attention not only to the words being spoken but also to the silent communications, emotional cues, gestures and signs. Listening comprehension is the goal so engage yourself in that moment and try to picture what is being said in your own mind. Children will feel more valued when they can see that you are listening. Don’t allow yourself to just hear but not really understand what your child is trying to communicate. Try not to interrupt their chain of thought. Sit back and listen. When the time is right, ask questions. Trying to visualize what is being said helps to build meaning and make connections in your mind. Again when the time is right restating the information conveyed increases your accountability and gives you an opportunity to clarify and reflect upon what has been communicated to you. Remaining active in the communication process and checking for understanding is so important. By conveying the meaning of a child’s message in that moment including the emotional innuendos and relating or reacting to it in some way shows your interest, connection and empathy.

This process helps our brain to function more effectively and efficiently in many things that we do in life. Thinking back to my elementary classroom teaching years I am reminded that listening and reading require very similar thought processes when receiving information. Readers and listeners both have to construct meaning from words by recalling, retelling and reflecting.

In today’s world so much more listening is done via technology, social media and on our phones and other devices. Life has become much more passive in nature. No wonder some children are starved of that valuable in person experience and contact that my daughter was describing all those years ago. Like her they just want and need to be listened to face to face especially by their parents. My kids are all adults now and seemingly doing fine but the bottom line remains the same. Parents need to be good communicators and that includes listening.

Thinking back to my young daughter and her “silly behaviors” perhaps I should have asked myself then “How could I have been a better listener?” Another prominent poster in my classrooms read “Learn to Listen. Listen to Learn. Yes, it’s time that we all try to make more sense of the people around us and the world we live in. It takes effort and practice. Your children won’t expect you to fix everything in their lives but hopefully they will always want you to listen to them. Active listening is one of the most important skills that you can have in your parenting toolbox. If you are aware of what they are going through and the situations that they are facing you can offer them support. Having that connection with them will help them to become more resilient, responsible and caring people themselves that value your guidance, strength and love for a lifetime.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

A Place At the Table Means So Much

On a hot summer day many years ago, our three young girls sat down to eat dinner and simultaneously shrieked with a look of shock on their faces as they stared across the table at their dad sitting with no shirt on. It certainly wasn’t the dress code norm for meals so it was a funny moment we shared together. It was even funnier when they bent down to look under the table to check if he was really nude! Obviously he wasn’t so we all laughed even harder. Time spent together as a family should be full of spontaneous precious and sometimes funny moments like that.

Sharing a place at the table with family members is the kind of routine interaction that offers so many positive moments for both parents and children. It is a gift of time. I have often referred to and shared a quote that I read, and it has stuck with me because it has rung true so many times in life since and especially as a parent. It says ” The point is not to do remarkable things but to do ordinary things with the conviction of their immense importance.”

Whenever you eat together it does more than just nurture your body it also feeds the hearts and minds of those present. Talking together is a healthy way to share the good and bad highlights of one’s day. Sitting with people you share a bond with can also be a comforting source of reassurance, comradery and love. It centers us and reminds us especially with family that we have roots and a sense of worth and security. This is very important for good mental health at any age. It fosters positive thinking which will promote resiliency and self-efficacy. Opening up to and sharing our lives with others helps and encourages us to recognize that our emotions and how we express them are windows looking into or mirrors reflecting out the status of our current mental health and wellness.

I was a working mom raising three young children decades ago now and full disclosure we didn’t eat at that table every evening. Restaurant meals were a treat occasionally, fast food meals in the car and take out were often times a necessity. The amount of time and the place didn’t matter the important thing was that we tried hard to spend some time together each day. Eating together was important and a priority when schedules allowed for it. And that’s not the only thing we did sitting around that table. Besides breakfasts, lunches and dinners it was homework central, a place to tell stories, solve problems, read books, play games, do puzzles, attempt crafting projects, watch tv and of course talk and laugh together. Many family celebrations have been and still are hosted at this table.

This old table has been a central place for our family to gather for many years. A place where we now share fond memories because my children are all grown and have their own homes and families now. It is still my special place where we took the time to be there for one another as a family. Feeling that we belong is a human need. That’s the point I was referring to earlier we don’t have to do remarkable things because the ordinary things we do together have immense importance. Having a place at the table really does mean so much.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Many Hands Can Make Less Work

This morning my oldest daughter helped my youngest daughter get dressed. Hugged and kissed her and sent her happily off to school just like a little mommy would! Then she said to me “You know I really like to do this.” That was a sudden halleluiah parenting moment for me written over 30 years ago when I realized all those days when my daughter had seemingly been in my way while I was dashing around the house trying to get everyone ready for work and school, I should have been letting her HELP MOM do some of the work that was causing me so much stress.

It can be easier, kinder and more productive to include rather that exclude your children from daily tasks in the home. Not to mention eliminating some of the many “No’s” in your life might actually ease the tension and make family days more pleasant for everyone. I admit I was and still often am a control freak and likely I was an intense bossy mom some days. But, I believed I was showing competence and leadership in that time and space. A common misassumption made by parents trying to do the best that they can, is that doing tasks yourself will be faster, better and easier. Sometimes this is true and necessary, but at other times your children may be missing out on valuable learning opportunities that will give them more confidence, incentive and skills that they will use to their advantage in the future.

Children learn by doing things. They will be expected to pitch in and help out at daycare and at school and years down the line they will need to function efficiently in a group, on a team ,at a workplace or in their own home. So why not start at a young age in your home? As a busy working mom I remember doing many of our domestic chores late into the evenings so that I could spend more precious quality time with my children. I have learned with age and observation that the definition of quality time can mean many different things. The key is doing things together.

Just this past week when my daughter, who is now herself a busy working mom, was Face Time visiting with me, and wanted to share one of her own young daughter’s favorite things to do in the kitchen with Mommy. I got quite a surprise. My granddaughter, still a toddler, was hovering over the pulled down dishwasher drawer, with reasonable care and supervision of course, helping to unload the dishwasher. Wow, I thought how cute, but also there’s the proof is in the pudding! Maybe there can be a better balance of mixing work and play together within the home. Encourage your children don’t discourage them. Practical experiences do pay off in the future. Teamwork is a good concept within a family, just as it is in so many other situations in life. Indeed many hands can make less work and more fun together, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

Let’s Be Honest I Was Never Supermom!

I chuckle today staring at a growing assortment of clean laundry in the spare bedroom begging to be folded as I read my journal posting written 30 years ago. “Hey, Mom! Are we getting a babysitter tonight? Are we having company?” No, I reply….. Why? “Then why are you cleaning the bathroom? It’s not housecleaning day!” My middle child’s astute observation of my housekeeping habits. No, we don’t always wait until company is coming over to clean but dusting and vacuuming once per month is not an impossibility! And, please don’t remind me about the mountain of laundry found on the floor in Mom and Dad’s bedroom! Unfortunately, the cleaning doesn’t always get done as often as it use to now that I am back working full time.

Don’t kid yourself, children are very observant and insightful. Let’s be honest, I was never supermom but I did try hard to be the best mom I could be at the time juggling home life and a demanding work life, too.

Obviously, some of my habits have not changed but the passage of years and my own maturity has granted me the wisdom to say that “I’m only human and there are only so many hours in any given day.” Time and energy wears thin for us all. I still beat myself up sometimes when I don’t get something done. But, gradually I have learned to accept begrudgingly at times, that I need to slow down, smell the coffee and prioritize, because I need to be more gentle on myself as a woman. Trying to be everything to everyone all the time is exhausting no matter what stage of life you are living in.

We worry so much about the image that we are portraying as a parent and push ourselves to keep performing forgetting that sometimes good enough is truly enough. Life may never stop being demanding and busy so you need to learn to maintain your resiliency and prioritize. There will be countless more hours ahead to keep your house spotless but you will never get back the opportunity to experience those precious moments in time with your children. So, don’t miss the main event with your kids. Join the party because the laundry can wait!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

There’s Going To Be Bumps Ahead!

Winter 1995, another sledding trip to the neighborhood toboggan hill. The kid’s love it here on a winter’s day. Scanning the scene being a vigilant conscientious mom I noticed a potential safety issue. Older neighborhood kids had built a huge bump into the hill that day so with every push I carefully steered my girls around that potential hazard.

Everything was going fine until I pushed two of my girls for what I thought would be a final safe ride down the hill before heading home. But, at the last second the sled caught an edge in the hill and veered right into danger and over that big bump! It was the thrill of the afternoon and quite a spill, too. Everyone was screaming and then laughing. One landed flat on her back giggling, the other got a big surprising bump on her bum but fortunately everyone was fine. It was the most excitement of the whole day and we couldn’t stop talking about that random moment in time for the rest of the day.

Those words were written 30 years ago in a journal of mine, a much younger mother then but they still ring true today. I realized then and still believe that some of the most memorable times in family life are those you plan the least for. They just happen. I remind myself often now to appreciate all those moments we spend together. The joyful faces and the happy smiles of my adult children still make me smile and laugh but I no longer can steer them down every hill although I still wish that I could. They have to navigate most of their own big bumps.

All too soon our kids need to learn to stay afloat without us. Hopefully, I instilled in them the knowledge and coping skills then that they would need to succeed in the future. Enjoy those precious spontaneous moments in time with your children. Learn to accept the unexpected. You will not always be in control.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher