A Place At the Table Means So Much

On a hot summer day many years ago, our three young girls sat down to eat dinner and simultaneously shrieked with a look of shock on their faces as they stared across the table at their dad sitting with no shirt on. It certainly wasn’t the dress code norm for meals so it was a funny moment we shared together. It was even funnier when they bent down to look under the table to check if he was really nude! Obviously he wasn’t so we all laughed even harder. Time spent together as a family should be full of spontaneous precious and sometimes funny moments like that.

Sharing a place at the table with family members is the kind of routine interaction that offers so many positive moments for both parents and children. It is a gift of time. I have often referred to and shared a quote that I read, and it has stuck with me because it has rung true so many times in life since and especially as a parent. It says ” The point is not to do remarkable things but to do ordinary things with the conviction of their immense importance.”

Whenever you eat together it does more than just nurture your body it also feeds the hearts and minds of those present. Talking together is a healthy way to share the good and bad highlights of one’s day. Sitting with people you share a bond with can also be a comforting source of reassurance, comradery and love. It centers us and reminds us especially with family that we have roots and a sense of worth and security. This is very important for good mental health at any age. It fosters positive thinking which will promote resiliency and self-efficacy. Opening up to and sharing our lives with others helps and encourages us to recognize that our emotions and how we express them are windows looking into or mirrors reflecting out the status of our current mental health and wellness.

I was a working mom raising three young children decades ago now and full disclosure we didn’t eat at that table every evening. Restaurant meals were a treat occasionally, fast food meals in the car and take out were often times a necessity. The amount of time and the place didn’t matter the important thing was that we tried hard to spend some time together each day. Eating together was important and a priority when schedules allowed for it. And that’s not the only thing we did sitting around that table. Besides breakfasts, lunches and dinners it was homework central, a place to tell stories, solve problems, read books, play games, do puzzles, attempt crafting projects, watch tv and of course talk and laugh together. Many family celebrations have been and still are hosted at this table.

This old table has been a central place for our family to gather for many years. A place where we now share fond memories because my children are all grown and have their own homes and families now. It is still my special place where we took the time to be there for one another as a family. Feeling that we belong is a human need. That’s the point I was referring to earlier we don’t have to do remarkable things because the ordinary things we do together have immense importance. Having a place at the table really does mean so much.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Some Boundaries Will Be Challenged But Keep the Faith

It was one of those epic snowy winter days common where I live. I had been home sick from work along with my two youngest children. We all had terrible colds but still had to bundle up and venture out to pick big sister up from school that afternoon. Arriving too late to garner a coveted parking space in front of the school begrudgingly I found one of the last stalls in the community hall skating rink parking lot at the far end of the school yard. Taking a child in each hand we trudged through the snow and entered the school just as the dismissal bell rang.

Still sniffling, we waited in the crowded nineteen-ninety something school hallway as it filled up with more parents and children milling about. My inquisitive often impatient middle child had slipped from my grasp to peek into classrooms close by. When older sister found us I thought we were all ready to navigate our way to the exit door. It had only been a few seconds but I felt a sudden surge of emotion as I turned around and discovered that my curious little monkey had disappeared! If you have ever been there, you know that indescribable fear and feeling of dread that a missing child brings into your life. This was always one of my greatest fears.

I tried not to panic and began searching the hallways and classrooms. Next, I ran outside to scour the immediate schoolyard. I was getting very worried so I asked several teachers to help while I made my way to the school office to report my child missing. My heart beat faster and faster as I heard the principal calling out my daughter’s name over the PA speakers. By now I was getting frantic and decided to leave my other daughters in the school office so I could head outside again to search around the building one more time. As I walked back towards our car parked in the rink parking lot way across the schoolyard, I thought I spotted a flash of purple in the distance. It was a little person in a purple snowsuit popping up from behind a snowbank, trying to hang on to a sign pole while intermittently sinking back out of sight in the snowdrift. I had found my daughter! She was cold and scared but waiting patiently by our car for Mommy and her sisters!

When I frantically shouted out her name my mind flashed back to losing that same child in the Sears department store at the mall not that long ago. After searching the clothing racks and aisles we found her seemingly unalarmed in an out of bounds staff washroom standing at the sink washing her hands. To think again that I could have lost someone so dear to me so suddenly made me gasp. Then the relief when I realized that my child was safe brought me to tears. Both of those experiences shook me to the core and left me wondering was I really going to lose my daughter some day?

Hindsight had not yet blessed me with insight and perspective and she is now, years later, a working mom herself. But, in that moment it was an upsetting incident in parenting and there would be many more to come. Impulse control was never easy for that child and drama often followed her around. That fear would return from time to time during the next several decades as my daughter grew up. I was coming to terms with and learning as all parents must do, that protecting my most precious cargo was not going to be an easy job.

Our kids are going to be unique individuals with brains and minds of their own. We can teach and guide them well but we can not control their every thought and move. On that snowy winter day according to my daughter she had popped into her sister’s classroom for just a few minutes to look around but when she came back out into the hallway she couldn’t find us. She thought that we had left without her! Scared but resourceful and brave she had gone outside to look for us but couldn’t get back in the school because the door was too heavy to open. That night at bedtime, after I had time to count my blessings and calm down I listened to her and I told her that she had been very smart to go back to our car to wait but that she should never have gone off on her own in the first place. Then we had a talk about the importance of staying together. What I was really thinking was thank goodness my daughter was safe but I had never dreamed that my child would leave the building without me. I was wrong.

Years later, my daughter would confide in me that her brain often thought differently than others. We would reminisce about those early disappearing incidents much to her disdain and embarrassment so we instead created a positive spin to it commending her on her resourcefulness when placed in a difficult situation. Some children will be more challenging to raise. Some may veer of course or follow a different pathway. The road may get bumpy and the journey may seem long. Some boundaries will be challenged. As parents we do not have control over everything and we are not entirely guilty or to blame for our children’s destiny and well being. But, we do need to keep the faith, try to be the best parents you can be and always listen to your children.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Mommy’s Get Sick Sometimes, too!

It’s daycare and school pick up time and Mom had another migraine! I’ve been blessed with many wonderful things in life but unfortunately cursed with bad headaches. We did make it home that day but I actually threw up in my favorite yellow winter hat while driving! That was over 30 years ago but it is a parenting memory that sticks with me because in that moment I was feeling quite desperate that I might not be there for my children when they needed me. I can honestly say years later that feeling never does go away even long after your kids have grown up and left the nest.

My children learned from a young age that I’m only human and sometimes mommy gets sick, too. Mutual consideration and caring for one another was a family value that we always encouraged. When I was suffering through one of my bad headaches my youngest daughter would often say “it’s okay mommy we can doctor you”. But, that day there was still that big problem of being the adult in the room and the fact that those three little girls sitting in the back seat couldn’t drive themselves home. Vulnerability is something that parents try so hard to avoid. Being unable to fulfill our responsibilities is a perennial fear.

In that journal posting I went on to reason that I would just have to wait until one of my girls was old enough to drive us all home when mommy gets sick. Fortunately, for migraine suffering moms like me our suffering became much more legitimized and treatable over the years. But, more importantly addressing parent’s physical and mental health needs have also been acknowledged. Due time and effort needs to be given to Mom and/or Dad to ensure that we can continue to be there for our children. Pushing yourself to always keep performing is not a healthy approach to parenting. We all have our vulnerable moments. Recognizing and accepting that you are not going to always be the perfect parent can be a valuable teachable moment for our children. Vulnerability is not something we should hide from our children because learning to recognize and accept our inner feelings will make us a mentally much healthier person. In a family it fosters the ideals of helping one another and working together to make things happen. Children learn by observing but more importantly by doing.

As my children got older if the going occasionally got tough for Mom they pitched in to help in whatever way that they could. I’m reminded of another bad headache parenting day a few years later when my mini van broke down on the way home amidst heavy traffic. My three children were older but still not driving so we all hopped on a transit bus with our backpacks in tow. Made it to the mall parking lot near our home where I proceeded to throw up again this time in a big garbage bin. Not looking like the best role model for mother of the year that day, when approached by a concerned security guard asking in a judgmental tone if “I was alright”? My girls were quick to defend and help me that day. Then we walked the rest of the way home together where they put me to bed because sometimes Mommy’s get sick, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say!

Tonight we almost ate dinner at Pizza Hut! How many times had I let things go in public with my own kids because I was being too soft and sensitive or just plain too tired. NOT TONIGHT! When my kids persisted in acting silly at the restaurant after a long day at work I had reached the breaking point. The leftover food was put into boxes, I marched them out to the car, and we went straight home. Say what you mean and mean what you say, Mom. Children need to learn to live within and not challenge boundaries that you set in life. Especially when your expectations are quite reasonable and appropriate. With greater consistency, guidance and practice polite restaurant behavior can be achieved and that’s a blessing for working moms some nights.

It takes time and consistency for children to learn behaviors. It won’t happen overnight. Case in point, later that same month I remember visiting the doctor’s office with two of my young children. They were perfect little angels throughout one child’s examination. She was a model patient and her overly curious but cute as a button devilish sibling managed to contain herself until we stepped back out into the waiting room. Chaos broke out. They both didn’t want to get their coats and boots on to leave. They wanted to play with the toys. They wanted to play chase and ended up hiding underneath the chairs in the waiting room. I was trying very hard to remain calm and in control, saying what I meant and meaning what I said, with many onlookers likely saying to themselves “look at those awful misbehaving children and their ineffective Mother”. In that moment I was furious and embarrassed as I dragged my kids out by their coat sleeves!

Children can be such a joy and such a pain all at the same time. Consistency will be a challenge but perseverance is the key to success. The truth is those people in the waiting room were probably feeling empathy for me and and like me years later, reminiscing about when they were back in your parenting shoes. As a parent, the reality is that most of the time I likely did say what I meant and meant what I said. I wasn’t perfect and not every day went smoothly but my children did learn and grew up just fine.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

A Mouse in the House

This mouse was attached to the computer in our house! It was 1995 and not unheard of to have a home computer but still pretty rare and special! I recall waking up one Sunday morning to the sounds of a computer game already being played downstairs by one of my young children. Yes, this mouse along with a television style screen, gigantic keyboard, and an awkward but essential big box on the floor or desktop was the computer set up and it was powered up in our house for playtime and productive activity too from morning until nightfall.

The computer world in that decade was dominated by the world wide web access to the internet and Microsoft Windows revolutionary software. Remember the sound of the dial up internet loading and connecting. Netscape Navigator was likely your default browser. Back in those early days favorite computer games like Solitaire, Minesweeper and Sim City were played by the hours. My youngest loved the Barbie games. My middle daughter enjoyed Frogger and Pajama Sam. My oldest liked the Beauty & the Beast adventure game and began making and printing things off on the computer like bookmarks and other treasures. I was doing the same for my Kindergarten class printing banner messages in big black letters that slowly crept out through the printer on interconnected pages with holes on the side your had to carefully detach. Santa and the Easter Bunny were even becoming computer literate leaving intriguing messages for our children on those holiday mornings! The word processing capabilities were basic in today’s standards but I was embracing the possibilities in any way that I could in my personal and work life. Yes, we sure have come a long way since then with our technology!

In those days two adults and three children shared that one standard shade of gray big box monitor with the floor tower, floppy disc drawers, mesmerizing screensavers and of course sizable hand mouse and mouse pad. That would be unreasonable and completely unacceptable in today’s standards of efficiency, but it was the 90’s and we were happy campers just having that new expensive toy in the house with the multiple functions it offered!

At that time we had no idea where all this computer technology would lead us to decades down the road. The never really ever being unplugged times have been with us for years now. There is no turning back. Children grow up with it, learn with it and embrace it in nearly everything that they do. There are still a computers in my house but we no longer need the mouse and a mini one follows me nearly everywhere I go in my pocket or my purse. With a simple touch of a finger we can open up a world of information, complete a multitude of tasks and stay connected with people in our lives. Looking back I realize now that years ago my children and I were part of a generation of pioneers exploring a whole new frontier when that expensive new toy with a mouse came into our house!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

Many Hands Can Make Less Work

This morning my oldest daughter helped my youngest daughter get dressed. Hugged and kissed her and sent her happily off to school just like a little mommy would! Then she said to me “You know I really like to do this.” That was a sudden halleluiah parenting moment for me written over 30 years ago when I realized all those days when my daughter had seemingly been in my way while I was dashing around the house trying to get everyone ready for work and school, I should have been letting her HELP MOM do some of the work that was causing me so much stress.

It can be easier, kinder and more productive to include rather that exclude your children from daily tasks in the home. Not to mention eliminating some of the many “No’s” in your life might actually ease the tension and make family days more pleasant for everyone. I admit I was and still often am a control freak and likely I was an intense bossy mom some days. But, I believed I was showing competence and leadership in that time and space. A common misassumption made by parents trying to do the best that they can, is that doing tasks yourself will be faster, better and easier. Sometimes this is true and necessary, but at other times your children may be missing out on valuable learning opportunities that will give them more confidence, incentive and skills that they will use to their advantage in the future.

Children learn by doing things. They will be expected to pitch in and help out at daycare and at school and years down the line they will need to function efficiently in a group, on a team ,at a workplace or in their own home. So why not start at a young age in your home? As a busy working mom I remember doing many of our domestic chores late into the evenings so that I could spend more precious quality time with my children. I have learned with age and observation that the definition of quality time can mean many different things. The key is doing things together.

Just this past week when my daughter, who is now herself a busy working mom, was Face Time visiting with me, and wanted to share one of her own young daughter’s favorite things to do in the kitchen with Mommy. I got quite a surprise. My granddaughter, still a toddler, was hovering over the pulled down dishwasher drawer, with reasonable care and supervision of course, helping to unload the dishwasher. Wow, I thought how cute, but also there’s the proof is in the pudding! Maybe there can be a better balance of mixing work and play together within the home. Encourage your children don’t discourage them. Practical experiences do pay off in the future. Teamwork is a good concept within a family, just as it is in so many other situations in life. Indeed many hands can make less work and more fun together, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

Walk the Talk

Rules really are meant to be followed. That’s what one of my young daughters was reminding me of at the lunch table many years ago. “You don’t talk with your mouth full, Mom. We should put that up with the other rules in the kitchen cupboard.” Truth is our family did have a list of rules for good behavior pinned up on the inside of a cupboard door beside the sink. I must have not been showing perfect eating etiquette that day, but I was doing something right as a parent getting my kids to recognize what are appropriate behaviors in the world we live in.

We made up those rules together and we did read and review them occasionally throughout their childhood. The list eventually grew quite long and later on during the teen years we would chuckle and reminisce about their origins. My girls grew up and moved out of my home. But, the list remained there for years, a special reminder of times gone by for me each time I opened the cupboard, until home renovations and a new paint job put that old list into the memories box. I still chuckle when I come across them to this day 30 years later.

We learn from our mistakes and believe me we all made them on occasion but in our perfect world the house rules stated that you should: “Listen carefully. Talk with an inside voice. Be polite. No bugging people. Be nice. Help and cooperate. Be careful and play safe. No running, pushing, poking, hair pulling scratching, hitting, spitting, name calling, kicking or fighting! That one is a hilarious mouthful of don’ts followed by HAVE FUN! Help out. No touching people’s faces. Do not hurt people’s feelings. Chew with your mouth closed. No feet up at the table, sit nice! No toys at the table and no playing with your food. No playing ball in the house. Never walk away angry. A very cerebral expectation for young children I must say! And include everyone.”

Perhaps now I should mention that there may have been times that my own children wondered whether having an elementary school teacher for a mom was a blessing or a curse. That response likely depended on the situation or the day? And yes, my profession may have spilled off into family life just a little bit here and there but my intentions were always good! The truth is as parents we are always going to be our children’s first teachers and that is a very significant and fundamental role to play in their lives.

Don’t hide away your expectations. Make them know to your children and teach them everyday by setting a good example of behaviors yourself. An important part of every good teacher’s daily lesson plan is modeling and active participation. Classrooms are filled with learning prompts. No, you don’t need a visible list of rules at home, but encouraging our children and assisting them to recognize and exhibit good manners and behaviors should happen consistently during the formative years. Children learn from observing the people around them. It’s a vital part of the process. Eyes will be on you parents, so WALK the TALK and TALK the WALK daily.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher