A Place At the Table Means So Much

On a hot summer day many years ago, our three young girls sat down to eat dinner and simultaneously shrieked with a look of shock on their faces as they stared across the table at their dad sitting with no shirt on. It certainly wasn’t the dress code norm for meals so it was a funny moment we shared together. It was even funnier when they bent down to look under the table to check if he was really nude! Obviously he wasn’t so we all laughed even harder. Time spent together as a family should be full of spontaneous precious and sometimes funny moments like that.

Sharing a place at the table with family members is the kind of routine interaction that offers so many positive moments for both parents and children. It is a gift of time. I have often referred to and shared a quote that I read, and it has stuck with me because it has rung true so many times in life since and especially as a parent. It says ” The point is not to do remarkable things but to do ordinary things with the conviction of their immense importance.”

Whenever you eat together it does more than just nurture your body it also feeds the hearts and minds of those present. Talking together is a healthy way to share the good and bad highlights of one’s day. Sitting with people you share a bond with can also be a comforting source of reassurance, comradery and love. It centers us and reminds us especially with family that we have roots and a sense of worth and security. This is very important for good mental health at any age. It fosters positive thinking which will promote resiliency and self-efficacy. Opening up to and sharing our lives with others helps and encourages us to recognize that our emotions and how we express them are windows looking into or mirrors reflecting out the status of our current mental health and wellness.

I was a working mom raising three young children decades ago now and full disclosure we didn’t eat at that table every evening. Restaurant meals were a treat occasionally, fast food meals in the car and take out were often times a necessity. The amount of time and the place didn’t matter the important thing was that we tried hard to spend some time together each day. Eating together was important and a priority when schedules allowed for it. And that’s not the only thing we did sitting around that table. Besides breakfasts, lunches and dinners it was homework central, a place to tell stories, solve problems, read books, play games, do puzzles, attempt crafting projects, watch tv and of course talk and laugh together. Many family celebrations have been and still are hosted at this table.

This old table has been a central place for our family to gather for many years. A place where we now share fond memories because my children are all grown and have their own homes and families now. It is still my special place where we took the time to be there for one another as a family. Feeling that we belong is a human need. That’s the point I was referring to earlier we don’t have to do remarkable things because the ordinary things we do together have immense importance. Having a place at the table really does mean so much.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Mommy’s Get Sick Sometimes, too!

It’s daycare and school pick up time and Mom had another migraine! I’ve been blessed with many wonderful things in life but unfortunately cursed with bad headaches. We did make it home that day but I actually threw up in my favorite yellow winter hat while driving! That was over 30 years ago but it is a parenting memory that sticks with me because in that moment I was feeling quite desperate that I might not be there for my children when they needed me. I can honestly say years later that feeling never does go away even long after your kids have grown up and left the nest.

My children learned from a young age that I’m only human and sometimes mommy gets sick, too. Mutual consideration and caring for one another was a family value that we always encouraged. When I was suffering through one of my bad headaches my youngest daughter would often say “it’s okay mommy we can doctor you”. But, that day there was still that big problem of being the adult in the room and the fact that those three little girls sitting in the back seat couldn’t drive themselves home. Vulnerability is something that parents try so hard to avoid. Being unable to fulfill our responsibilities is a perennial fear.

In that journal posting I went on to reason that I would just have to wait until one of my girls was old enough to drive us all home when mommy gets sick. Fortunately, for migraine suffering moms like me our suffering became much more legitimized and treatable over the years. But, more importantly addressing parent’s physical and mental health needs have also been acknowledged. Due time and effort needs to be given to Mom and/or Dad to ensure that we can continue to be there for our children. Pushing yourself to always keep performing is not a healthy approach to parenting. We all have our vulnerable moments. Recognizing and accepting that you are not going to always be the perfect parent can be a valuable teachable moment for our children. Vulnerability is not something we should hide from our children because learning to recognize and accept our inner feelings will make us a mentally much healthier person. In a family it fosters the ideals of helping one another and working together to make things happen. Children learn by observing but more importantly by doing.

As my children got older if the going occasionally got tough for Mom they pitched in to help in whatever way that they could. I’m reminded of another bad headache parenting day a few years later when my mini van broke down on the way home amidst heavy traffic. My three children were older but still not driving so we all hopped on a transit bus with our backpacks in tow. Made it to the mall parking lot near our home where I proceeded to throw up again this time in a big garbage bin. Not looking like the best role model for mother of the year that day, when approached by a concerned security guard asking in a judgmental tone if “I was alright”? My girls were quick to defend and help me that day. Then we walked the rest of the way home together where they put me to bed because sometimes Mommy’s get sick, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Many Hands Can Make Less Work

This morning my oldest daughter helped my youngest daughter get dressed. Hugged and kissed her and sent her happily off to school just like a little mommy would! Then she said to me “You know I really like to do this.” That was a sudden halleluiah parenting moment for me written over 30 years ago when I realized all those days when my daughter had seemingly been in my way while I was dashing around the house trying to get everyone ready for work and school, I should have been letting her HELP MOM do some of the work that was causing me so much stress.

It can be easier, kinder and more productive to include rather that exclude your children from daily tasks in the home. Not to mention eliminating some of the many “No’s” in your life might actually ease the tension and make family days more pleasant for everyone. I admit I was and still often am a control freak and likely I was an intense bossy mom some days. But, I believed I was showing competence and leadership in that time and space. A common misassumption made by parents trying to do the best that they can, is that doing tasks yourself will be faster, better and easier. Sometimes this is true and necessary, but at other times your children may be missing out on valuable learning opportunities that will give them more confidence, incentive and skills that they will use to their advantage in the future.

Children learn by doing things. They will be expected to pitch in and help out at daycare and at school and years down the line they will need to function efficiently in a group, on a team ,at a workplace or in their own home. So why not start at a young age in your home? As a busy working mom I remember doing many of our domestic chores late into the evenings so that I could spend more precious quality time with my children. I have learned with age and observation that the definition of quality time can mean many different things. The key is doing things together.

Just this past week when my daughter, who is now herself a busy working mom, was Face Time visiting with me, and wanted to share one of her own young daughter’s favorite things to do in the kitchen with Mommy. I got quite a surprise. My granddaughter, still a toddler, was hovering over the pulled down dishwasher drawer, with reasonable care and supervision of course, helping to unload the dishwasher. Wow, I thought how cute, but also there’s the proof is in the pudding! Maybe there can be a better balance of mixing work and play together within the home. Encourage your children don’t discourage them. Practical experiences do pay off in the future. Teamwork is a good concept within a family, just as it is in so many other situations in life. Indeed many hands can make less work and more fun together, too!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

Walk the Talk

Rules really are meant to be followed. That’s what one of my young daughters was reminding me of at the lunch table many years ago. “You don’t talk with your mouth full, Mom. We should put that up with the other rules in the kitchen cupboard.” Truth is our family did have a list of rules for good behavior pinned up on the inside of a cupboard door beside the sink. I must have not been showing perfect eating etiquette that day, but I was doing something right as a parent getting my kids to recognize what are appropriate behaviors in the world we live in.

We made up those rules together and we did read and review them occasionally throughout their childhood. The list eventually grew quite long and later on during the teen years we would chuckle and reminisce about their origins. My girls grew up and moved out of my home. But, the list remained there for years, a special reminder of times gone by for me each time I opened the cupboard, until home renovations and a new paint job put that old list into the memories box. I still chuckle when I come across them to this day 30 years later.

We learn from our mistakes and believe me we all made them on occasion but in our perfect world the house rules stated that you should: “Listen carefully. Talk with an inside voice. Be polite. No bugging people. Be nice. Help and cooperate. Be careful and play safe. No running, pushing, poking, hair pulling scratching, hitting, spitting, name calling, kicking or fighting! That one is a hilarious mouthful of don’ts followed by HAVE FUN! Help out. No touching people’s faces. Do not hurt people’s feelings. Chew with your mouth closed. No feet up at the table, sit nice! No toys at the table and no playing with your food. No playing ball in the house. Never walk away angry. A very cerebral expectation for young children I must say! And include everyone.”

Perhaps now I should mention that there may have been times that my own children wondered whether having an elementary school teacher for a mom was a blessing or a curse. That response likely depended on the situation or the day? And yes, my profession may have spilled off into family life just a little bit here and there but my intentions were always good! The truth is as parents we are always going to be our children’s first teachers and that is a very significant and fundamental role to play in their lives.

Don’t hide away your expectations. Make them know to your children and teach them everyday by setting a good example of behaviors yourself. An important part of every good teacher’s daily lesson plan is modeling and active participation. Classrooms are filled with learning prompts. No, you don’t need a visible list of rules at home, but encouraging our children and assisting them to recognize and exhibit good manners and behaviors should happen consistently during the formative years. Children learn from observing the people around them. It’s a vital part of the process. Eyes will be on you parents, so WALK the TALK and TALK the WALK daily.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

Let’s Be Honest I Was Never Supermom!

I chuckle today staring at a growing assortment of clean laundry in the spare bedroom begging to be folded as I read my journal posting written 30 years ago. “Hey, Mom! Are we getting a babysitter tonight? Are we having company?” No, I reply….. Why? “Then why are you cleaning the bathroom? It’s not housecleaning day!” My middle child’s astute observation of my housekeeping habits. No, we don’t always wait until company is coming over to clean but dusting and vacuuming once per month is not an impossibility! And, please don’t remind me about the mountain of laundry found on the floor in Mom and Dad’s bedroom! Unfortunately, the cleaning doesn’t always get done as often as it use to now that I am back working full time.

Don’t kid yourself, children are very observant and insightful. Let’s be honest, I was never supermom but I did try hard to be the best mom I could be at the time juggling home life and a demanding work life, too.

Obviously, some of my habits have not changed but the passage of years and my own maturity has granted me the wisdom to say that “I’m only human and there are only so many hours in any given day.” Time and energy wears thin for us all. I still beat myself up sometimes when I don’t get something done. But, gradually I have learned to accept begrudgingly at times, that I need to slow down, smell the coffee and prioritize, because I need to be more gentle on myself as a woman. Trying to be everything to everyone all the time is exhausting no matter what stage of life you are living in.

We worry so much about the image that we are portraying as a parent and push ourselves to keep performing forgetting that sometimes good enough is truly enough. Life may never stop being demanding and busy so you need to learn to maintain your resiliency and prioritize. There will be countless more hours ahead to keep your house spotless but you will never get back the opportunity to experience those precious moments in time with your children. So, don’t miss the main event with your kids. Join the party because the laundry can wait!

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher

There’s Going To Be Bumps Ahead!

Winter 1995, another sledding trip to the neighborhood toboggan hill. The kid’s love it here on a winter’s day. Scanning the scene being a vigilant conscientious mom I noticed a potential safety issue. Older neighborhood kids had built a huge bump into the hill that day so with every push I carefully steered my girls around that potential hazard.

Everything was going fine until I pushed two of my girls for what I thought would be a final safe ride down the hill before heading home. But, at the last second the sled caught an edge in the hill and veered right into danger and over that big bump! It was the thrill of the afternoon and quite a spill, too. Everyone was screaming and then laughing. One landed flat on her back giggling, the other got a big surprising bump on her bum but fortunately everyone was fine. It was the most excitement of the whole day and we couldn’t stop talking about that random moment in time for the rest of the day.

Those words were written 30 years ago in a journal of mine, a much younger mother then but they still ring true today. I realized then and still believe that some of the most memorable times in family life are those you plan the least for. They just happen. I remind myself often now to appreciate all those moments we spend together. The joyful faces and the happy smiles of my adult children still make me smile and laugh but I no longer can steer them down every hill although I still wish that I could. They have to navigate most of their own big bumps.

All too soon our kids need to learn to stay afloat without us. Hopefully, I instilled in them the knowledge and coping skills then that they would need to succeed in the future. Enjoy those precious spontaneous moments in time with your children. Learn to accept the unexpected. You will not always be in control.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher