Maybe I Could Have Been a Better Listener Revisited

Yes, that’s me judging from the permed curly big hair 30 plus years ago teaching in my classroom. I have written on this important topic several times already because listening and comprehension in all aspects of life is a vital skill. I even wrote my Master’s Degree thesis on this issue many years ago. Sometimes I still ask myself as a parent should I have been better at practicing what I preached at school where teaching and expecting good listening skills was an everyday assumption and goal. How many times did I frustrate or disappoint one of my own children during a conversation maybe missing the point or an opportunity to comfort or mentor them better as they grew up. I’m not losing sleep or crying over spilt milk but there really are ways to be a better listener.

Modeling good listening skills is even more important today than it was during my parenting years. Studies are already showing that student school performance and achievement scores are lower now than in previous generations and we don’t need to think to hard to explain what advances in and the distractive and addictive nature of technology may have a lot to do with that. In this busy, distracting and multitasking environment that we all live in perhaps parents could start by pausing and being present in that precious moment when they are interacting and communicating with you. Focus on your child so that you can listen to what they are really saying and meaning.

I’d like to retell my story of finding concerning words written many years ago in my nineteen-ninety something journal. I had written that one of my daughters had said to me “Something is bothering me, Mom. You haven’t been listening to me lately.” Ouch that still hurts to read today. She goes on to say “You haven’t been paying attention to me. That’s why I act silly.” Amazingly accurate insights for a 4 year old and perhaps a fair assessment of my challenging overworked days of motherhood. We are all guilty of it. We spend time with loved ones but are we really listening in the present to what they need? Obviously there is much more mental health context to that story but I want to stick to the point that we can all learn to be better listeners.

Back in my school classrooms I always had a prominent poster hanging on the wall that wisely said “ Learn to Listen. Listen to Learn.” I have to admit that I sometimes am still not the best listener. I use to blame it on my profession as a teacher where it was my job to talk all day long to making a living. But, that was just an excuse for not respecting that conversations especially in our personal lives are two way streets that require listening too. We spend more time in life listening than any other form of communication. I have learned with age and experience that when another person’s emotions are speaking loud and clear through their words I need to sit back, be quiet and just listen.

It’s never too late to brush up on our listening skills. We hear with our ears but we listen with our brain. Be attentive and invested in the moment. Active listening requires paying attention not only to the words being spoken but also to the silent communications, emotional cues, gestures and signs. Listening comprehension is the goal so engage yourself in that moment and try to picture what is being said in your own mind. Children will feel more valued when they can see that you are listening. Don’t allow yourself to just hear but not really understand what your child is trying to communicate. Try not to interrupt their chain of thought. Sit back and listen. When the time is right, ask questions. Trying to visualize what is being said helps to build meaning and make connections in your mind. Again when the time is right restating the information conveyed increases your accountability and gives you an opportunity to clarify and reflect upon what has been communicated to you. Remaining active in the communication process and checking for understanding is so important. By conveying the meaning of a child’s message in that moment including the emotional innuendos and relating or reacting to it in some way shows your interest, connection and empathy.

This process helps our brain to function more effectively and efficiently in many things that we do in life. Thinking back to my elementary classroom teaching years I am reminded that listening and reading require very similar thought processes when receiving information. Readers and listeners both have to construct meaning from words by recalling, retelling and reflecting.

In today’s world so much more listening is done via technology, social media and on our phones and other devices. Life has become much more passive in nature. No wonder some children are starved of that valuable in person experience and contact that my daughter was describing all those years ago. Like her they just want and need to be listened to face to face especially by their parents. My kids are all adults now and seemingly doing fine but the bottom line remains the same. Parents need to be good communicators and that includes listening.

Thinking back to my young daughter and her “silly behaviors” perhaps I should have asked myself then “How could I have been a better listener?” Another prominent poster in my classrooms read “Learn to Listen. Listen to Learn. Yes, it’s time that we all try to make more sense of the people around us and the world we live in. It takes effort and practice. Your children won’t expect you to fix everything in their lives but hopefully they will always want you to listen to them. Active listening is one of the most important skills that you can have in your parenting toolbox. If you are aware of what they are going through and the situations that they are facing you can offer them support. Having that connection with them will help them to become more resilient, responsible and caring people themselves that value your guidance, strength and love for a lifetime.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

That’s My Mommy! What Does She Really Mean?

To set the stage for this post I will share with you that not many moms can say that they were also their children’s first teacher. That was indeed the unique reality of our family. I taught elementary school for many years including when my own three girls were young. When each of them started school they joined me in my kindergarten classroom. It just made sense for us at the time especially because there was a daycare at my school making child care so much easier until they were all in school full time. Maintaining resiliency was important and a priority for our mental and physical health. So for our family spending less time and stress driving in the car for pick up times and more time together during the day made taking my children to work with me a unique and memorable time for us all.

Although in my recollections most days went smoothly in our classroom on one occasion I remember a particularly heated daycare meltdown with one of my daughters. After school when I came to pick up my girls another child recognized their teacher and immediately came running over to give me a big hug and say good bye when my middle daughter suddenly and rudely intercepted him and said “NO” this is not your teacher this is MY MOMMY!” Obviously in that moment I was both mom and teacher but sometimes sharing is a hard concept for young kids. Sharing mommy was hard that day for my daughter. Actions usually speak louder than words but when both coincide pay attention and dig deeper for the real message being conveyed. Your child is needing something. Young brains have a lot of maturing to do and emotions quickly take over . Kids wear their hearts on their sleeve. There are times when every child just wants to feel special and demands your time and attention but needless to say that was not the ideal nurturing moment.

Looking back now I encourage tired and stressed moms and dads to savor those times when your kids are young and you are at the center of their universe. Too soon that will all change and you will become the one searching out time and connections with them as they lead their own full and busy adult lives. When parents recognize and accept the importance of their children’s emotions everyone’s mental health will more likely thrive. All children need some me, myself and I time with a parent. At home of course my kids competed for attention that’s normal behavior. One built a cave on her bed. Soon her sister tried to build a better cave. Next my oldest daughter wanted mom to color with her until the siblings soon showed up with crayons and coloring book in hand. Family life is a juggling act!

Over the years as my kids got old enough not only to show that they needed more time and affection from Mom they could tell me in precise detail how they wished that I didn’t work so much. That really makes a parent feel terrible. I am reminded of a very sad young daughter who was concerned that Mom wouldn’t be able to come to her parent-teacher conference afterschool because I was a teacher myself and would be doing the same thing working at a different school. I tried to reassure her that she was my priority that day and that I could do a pretty good job of juggling my work and home schedule so that I would be there in her classroom when she needed me. I did make it to her conference but there was some emotional capital lost that day. The truth was sadly that even after trying to be everywhere and everything to everyone my kids saw through that unrealistic goal. She was still worried! I guess I was still falling short in her eyes some days and that hurts.

Some days I did feel guilty for working and not being home with my own kids but being a working parent was a necessity in our family and teaching was always an important part of my life because it was something that I enjoyed and was good at which made me a happier and better parent in the long run. Mom’s have needs, too. It felt good to be doing something for me. But, being a supermom all the time is an unrealistic self-fulfilling fallacy. Something is going to fail and someone is going to suffer or be hurt or disappointed and that someone quite likely will be you, Mom. Try not to divide yourself into too many pieces or put too many eggs in your basket in a day. We all have our breaking points. My kids are grown up now and have family’s of their own. Grandma still tries her best to be everywhere and everything to support them when I am able because I know now from experience what a great juggling act family life can be.

Resiliency, dedication, wisdom, patience and most importantly love is what parents should be striving for not perfection. There is only one you to go around. It’s the universally wonderful imperfection of parenting and a valuable lesson for children to learn.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandparent & Retired Teacher

Walk the Talk

Rules really are meant to be followed. That’s what one of my young daughters was reminding me of at the lunch table many years ago. “You don’t talk with your mouth full, Mom. We should put that up with the other rules in the kitchen cupboard.” Truth is our family did have a list of rules for good behavior pinned up on the inside of a cupboard door beside the sink. I must have not been showing perfect eating etiquette that day, but I was doing something right as a parent getting my kids to recognize what are appropriate behaviors in the world we live in.

We made up those rules together and we did read and review them occasionally throughout their childhood. The list eventually grew quite long and later on during the teen years we would chuckle and reminisce about their origins. My girls grew up and moved out of my home. But, the list remained there for years, a special reminder of times gone by for me each time I opened the cupboard, until home renovations and a new paint job put that old list into the memories box. I still chuckle when I come across them to this day 30 years later.

We learn from our mistakes and believe me we all made them on occasion but in our perfect world the house rules stated that you should: “Listen carefully. Talk with an inside voice. Be polite. No bugging people. Be nice. Help and cooperate. Be careful and play safe. No running, pushing, poking, hair pulling scratching, hitting, spitting, name calling, kicking or fighting! That one is a hilarious mouthful of don’ts followed by HAVE FUN! Help out. No touching people’s faces. Do not hurt people’s feelings. Chew with your mouth closed. No feet up at the table, sit nice! No toys at the table and no playing with your food. No playing ball in the house. Never walk away angry. A very cerebral expectation for young children I must say! And include everyone.”

Perhaps now I should mention that there may have been times that my own children wondered whether having an elementary school teacher for a mom was a blessing or a curse. That response likely depended on the situation or the day? And yes, my profession may have spilled off into family life just a little bit here and there but my intentions were always good! The truth is as parents we are always going to be our children’s first teachers and that is a very significant and fundamental role to play in their lives.

Don’t hide away your expectations. Make them know to your children and teach them everyday by setting a good example of behaviors yourself. An important part of every good teacher’s daily lesson plan is modeling and active participation. Classrooms are filled with learning prompts. No, you don’t need a visible list of rules at home, but encouraging our children and assisting them to recognize and exhibit good manners and behaviors should happen consistently during the formative years. Children learn from observing the people around them. It’s a vital part of the process. Eyes will be on you parents, so WALK the TALK and TALK the WALK daily.

Karen Boschee

Mom, Grandmother & Retired Teacher