Tonight we almost ate dinner at Pizza Hut! How many times had I let things go in public with my own kids because I was being too soft and sensitive or just plain too tired. NOT TONIGHT! When my kids persisted in acting silly at the restaurant after a long day at work I had reached the breaking point. The leftover food was put into boxes, I marched them out to the car, and we went straight home. Say what you mean and mean what you say, Mom. Children need to learn to live within and not challenge boundaries that you set in life. Especially when your expectations are quite reasonable and appropriate. With greater consistency, guidance and practice polite restaurant behavior can be achieved and that’s a blessing for working moms some nights.
It takes time and consistency for children to learn behaviors. It won’t happen overnight. Case in point, later that same month I remember visiting the doctor’s office with two of my young children. They were perfect little angels throughout one child’s examination. She was a model patient and her overly curious but cute as a button devilish sibling managed to contain herself until we stepped back out into the waiting room. Chaos broke out. They both didn’t want to get their coats and boots on to leave. They wanted to play with the toys. They wanted to play chase and ended up hiding underneath the chairs in the waiting room. I was trying very hard to remain calm and in control, saying what I meant and meaning what I said, with many onlookers likely saying to themselves “look at those awful misbehaving children and their ineffective Mother”. In that moment I was furious and embarrassed as I dragged my kids out by their coat sleeves!
Children can be such a joy and such a pain all at the same time.Consistency will be a challenge but perseverance is the key to success. The truth is those people in the waiting room were probably feeling empathy for me and and like me years later, reminiscing about when they were back in your parenting shoes. As a parent, the reality is thatmost of the time I likely did say what I meant and meant what I said. I wasn’t perfect and not every day went smoothly but my children did learn and grew up just fine.
This mouse was attached to the computer in our house! It was 1995 and not unheard of to have a home computer but still pretty rare and special! I recall waking up one Sunday morning to the sounds of a computer game already being played downstairs by one of my young children. Yes, this mouse along with a television style screen, gigantic keyboard, and an awkward but essential big box on the floor or desktop was the computer set up and it was powered up in our house for playtime and productive activity too from morning until nightfall.
The computer world in that decade was dominated by the world wide web access to the internet and Microsoft Windows revolutionary software. Remember the sound of the dial up internet loading and connecting. Netscape Navigator was likely your default browser. Back in those early days favorite computer games like Solitaire, Minesweeper and Sim City were played by the hours. My youngest loved the Barbie games. My middle daughter enjoyed Frogger and Pajama Sam. My oldest liked the Beauty & the Beast adventure game and began making and printing things off on the computer like bookmarks and other treasures. I was doing the same for my Kindergarten class printing banner messages in big black letters that slowly crept out through the printer on interconnected pages with holes on the side your had to carefully detach. Santa and the Easter Bunny were even becoming computer literate leaving intriguing messages for our children on those holiday mornings! The word processing capabilities were basic in today’s standards but I was embracing the possibilities in any way that I could in my personal and work life. Yes, we sure have come a long way since then with our technology!
In those days two adults and three children shared that one standard shade of gray big box monitor with the floor tower, floppy disc drawers, mesmerizing screensavers and of course sizable hand mouse and mouse pad. That would be unreasonable and completely unacceptable in today’s standards of efficiency, but it was the 90’s and we were happy campers just having that new expensive toy in the house with the multiple functions it offered!
At that time we had no idea where all this computer technology would lead us to decades down the road. The never really ever being unplugged times have been with us for years now. There is no turning back. Children grow up with it, learn with it and embrace it in nearly everything that they do. There are still a computers in my house but we no longer need the mouse and a mini one follows me nearly everywhere I go in my pocket or my purse. With a simple touch of a finger we can open up a world of information, complete a multitude of tasks and stay connected with people in our lives. Looking back I realize now that years ago my children and I were part of a generation of pioneers exploring a whole new frontier when that expensive new toy with a mouse came into our house!
This morning my oldest daughter helped my youngest daughter get dressed. Hugged and kissed her and sent her happily off to school just like a little mommy would!Then she said to me “You know I really like to do this.” That was a sudden halleluiah parenting moment for me written over 30 years ago when I realized all those days when my daughter had seemingly been in my way while I was dashing around the house trying to get everyone ready for work and school, I should have been letting her HELP MOM do some of the work that was causing me so much stress.
It can be easier, kinder and more productive to include rather that exclude your children from daily tasks in the home.Not to mention eliminating some of the many “No’s” in your life might actually ease the tension and make family days more pleasant for everyone. I admit I was and still often am a control freak and likely I was an intense bossy mom some days. But, I believed I was showing competence and leadership in that time and space. A common misassumption made by parents trying to do the best that they can, is that doing tasks yourself will be faster, better and easier. Sometimes this is true and necessary, but at other times your children may be missing out on valuable learning opportunities that will give them more confidence, incentive and skills that they will use to their advantage in the future.
Children learn by doing things. They will be expected to pitch in and help out at daycare and at school and years down the line they will need to function efficiently in a group, on a team ,at a workplace or in their own home. So why not start at a young age in your home? As a busy working mom I remember doing many of our domestic chores late into the evenings so that I could spend more precious quality time with my children. I have learned with age and observation that the definition of quality time can mean many different things. The key is doing things together.
Just this past week when my daughter, who is now herself a busy working mom, was Face Time visiting with me, and wanted to share one of her own young daughter’s favorite things to do in the kitchen with Mommy. I got quite a surprise. My granddaughter, still a toddler, was hovering over the pulled down dishwasher drawer, with reasonable care and supervision of course, helping to unload the dishwasher. Wow, I thought how cute, but also there’s the proof is in the pudding! Maybe there can be a better balance of mixing work and play together within the home. Encourage your children don’t discourage them. Practical experiences do pay off in the future. Teamwork is a good concept within a family, just as it is in so many other situations in life. Indeed many hands can make less work and more fun together, too!
Rules really are meant to be followed. That’s what one of my young daughters was reminding me of at the lunch table many years ago. “You don’t talk with your mouth full, Mom. We should put that up with the other rules in the kitchen cupboard.” Truth is our family did have a list of rules for good behavior pinned up on the inside of a cupboard door beside the sink. I must have not been showing perfect eating etiquette that day, but I was doing something right as a parent getting my kids to recognize what are appropriate behaviors in the world we live in.
We made up those rules together and we did read and review them occasionally throughout their childhood. The list eventually grew quite long and later on during the teen years we would chuckle and reminisce about their origins. My girls grew up and moved out of my home. But, the list remained there for years, a special reminder of times gone by for me each time I opened the cupboard, until home renovations and a new paint job put that old list into the memories box. I still chuckle when I come across them to this day 30 years later.
We learn from our mistakes and believe me we all made them on occasion but in our perfect world the house rules stated that you should: “Listen carefully. Talk with an inside voice. Be polite. No bugging people. Be nice. Help and cooperate. Be careful and play safe. No running, pushing, poking, hair pulling scratching, hitting, spitting, name calling, kicking or fighting! That one is a hilarious mouthful of don’ts followed by HAVE FUN! Help out. No touching people’s faces. Do not hurt people’s feelings. Chew with your mouth closed. No feet up at the table, sit nice! No toys at the table and no playing with your food. No playing ball in the house. Never walk away angry. A very cerebral expectation for young children I must say! And include everyone.”
Perhaps now I should mention that there may have been times that my own children wondered whether having an elementary school teacher for a mom was a blessing or a curse. That response likely depended on the situation or the day? And yes, my profession may have spilled off into family life just a little bit here and there but my intentions were always good! The truth is as parents we are always going to be our children’s first teachers and that is a very significant and fundamental role to play in their lives.
Don’t hide away your expectations. Make them know to your children and teach them everyday by setting a good example of behaviors yourself. An important part of every good teacher’s daily lesson plan is modeling and active participation. Classrooms are filled with learning prompts. No, you don’t need a visible list of rules at home, but encouraging our children and assisting them to recognize and exhibit good manners and behaviors should happen consistently during the formative years. Children learn from observing the people around them. It’s a vital part of the process. Eyes will be on you parents, so WALK the TALK and TALK the WALK daily.
I chuckle today staring at a growing assortment of clean laundry in the spare bedroom begging to be folded as I read my journal posting written 30 years ago. “Hey, Mom! Are we getting a babysitter tonight? Are we having company?” No, I reply….. Why? “Then why are you cleaning the bathroom? It’s not housecleaning day!” My middle child’s astute observation of my housekeeping habits. No, we don’t always wait until company is coming over to clean but dusting and vacuuming once per month is not an impossibility! And, please don’t remind me about the mountain of laundry found on the floor in Mom and Dad’s bedroom! Unfortunately, the cleaning doesn’t always get done as often as it use to now that I am back working full time.
Don’t kid yourself, children are very observant and insightful. Let’s be honest, I was never supermom but I did try hard to be the best mom I could be at the time juggling home life and a demanding work life, too.
Obviously, some of my habits have not changed but the passage of years and my own maturity has granted me the wisdom to say that “I’m only human and there are only so many hours in any given day.” Time and energy wears thin for us all. I still beat myself up sometimes when I don’t get something done. But, gradually I have learned to accept begrudgingly at times, that I need to slow down, smell the coffee and prioritize, because I need to be more gentle on myself as a woman. Trying to be everything to everyone all the time is exhausting no matter what stage of life you are living in.
We worry so much about the image that we are portraying as a parent and push ourselves to keep performing forgetting that sometimes good enough is truly enough. Life may never stop being demanding and busy so you need to learn to maintain your resiliency and prioritize. There will be countless more hours ahead to keep your house spotless but you will never get back the opportunity to experience those precious moments in time with your children. So, don’t miss the main event with your kids. Join the party because the laundry can wait!
My girls have now reached the age where they can all be in most activities or classes on their own. Even, my youngest daughter! Growing independence has relegated Mom to the sideline viewing area. This year I was able to register them in gym classes at the same time and in the same place. Unbelievable! Yes, I can actually sit down and enjoy watching my daughters in action. I am so proud of their growing independence, enchanted by their movements and heartened by their enthusiasm.
How naive I was back in 1995 thinking that parenting would be so much easier from now on. It was an unrealistic and overly optimistic dream of coordinated schedules and down time ahead. Children are individuals. Sameness and easy are never going to be effective concepts or words when parenting. It’s not going to be that simple and straightforward. The pace is going to increase. The diversity is going to stretch you in many directions as you strive to expand their potential and meet the growing needs of each child. You won’t be sitting for very long. Buckle up for the race or more accurately the marathon ahead that will require resiliency to endure and complete. But, it will all be worth it!
Remember to take a breath along the way to pause and enjoy watching your children in action. Their individual strengths and challenges will never be the same and will always need to be recognized, supported and celebrated by you. Observe, learn and appreciate how different they really are not the sameness of a mere moment in time. Learn that opportunities will pass by quickly. Circumstances will change and you, Mom, won’t stay the same either!
When I opened up my lunch bag at work on another hectic Monday in 1995 I found something unexpected . My 6 year old daughter had worked hard to pack a lunch for me the night before. What I didn’t know was that she had included a special note that really touched my heart. It read “Dear Mom, I hope you eat yore lunch. Have a good day. Love you.”
Now that’s what makes parenting so worthwhile. Those special little moments that lift your spirits, make you smile, give you strength and remind you that you are a very important person in someone’s life. Connections are so powerful especially when they make you feel that you belong and are loved. Communication is such an important vehicle that will bond a family together throughout the years ahead.
Words do matter! Children learn from the significant people around them. As parents the words we choose and the words we use are important. Think about what you bring to the table each day you spend with your family? Are you serving up healthy verbal food for thought and filling glasses up with words of wisdom and encouragement.
That invaluable little gift, those cheerful few words sent to me many years ago meant so much to me. Today especially with the technology available now I still communicate with my adult children often. I do hope that on some of their long hard days I am lifting their spirits, making them smile and giving them the encouragement that they may need. I want them to know that they are loved and will always belong in my heart. Keeping lines of communication going will always be worthwhile because kind words and gestures really do matter in life.
Winter 1995, another sledding trip to the neighborhood toboggan hill. The kid’s love it here on a winter’s day. Scanning the scene being a vigilant conscientious mom I noticed a potential safety issue. Older neighborhood kids had built a huge bump into the hill that day so with every push I carefully steered my girls around that potential hazard.
Everything was going fine until I pushed two of my girls for what I thought would be a final safe ride down the hill before heading home. But, at the last second the sled caught an edge in the hill and veered right into danger and over that big bump! It was the thrill of the afternoon and quite a spill, too. Everyone was screaming and then laughing. One landed flat on her back giggling, the other got a big surprising bump on her bum but fortunately everyone was fine. It was the most excitement of the whole day and we couldn’t stop talking about that random moment in time for the rest of the day.
Those words were written 30 years ago in a journal of mine, a much younger mother then but they still ring true today. I realized then and still believe that some of the most memorable times in family life are those you plan the least for. They just happen. I remind myself often now to appreciate all those moments we spend together. The joyful faces and the happy smiles of my adult children still make me smile and laugh but I no longer can steer them down every hill although I still wish that I could. They have to navigate most of their own big bumps.
All too soon our kids need to learn to stay afloat without us. Hopefully, I instilled in them the knowledge and coping skills then that they would need to succeed in the future. Enjoy those precious spontaneous moments in time with your children. Learn to accept the unexpected. You will not always be in control.
When I was young my dad used to say your lifelong friendships will fit on one hand. Not particularly positive advice for a youngster navigating the world around her and the people within it! But, later in life now myself, although not an accurate assessment of the quality of my friendships I have discovered that he was not far off the mark figuratively.
When I look back at old photos I see good friends that are no longer actively in my life. People that I went to school with, a roommate, a bridesmaid, working colleagues and family friends. Time and circumstance takes its toll and some people will come and go during your life. I didn’t always understand this and spent time unrealistically worrying about friendships.
Fortunately, I’ve gained perspective with age and I am learning to accept that it’s okay! People will enter into your life for many different reasons. What we gain from those relationships at that time is what’s most important not how long they last. When they are gone the fault often lies within what is beyond our control. As a parent, I wish that I could have shared that wisdom sooner with my own children while they grew up and experienced the drama and stress of seeking social acceptance and juggling friendships common during childhood and adolescence. Your worth will not be judged by how many lifelong friends you have but instead by the kind of friend you have been to others. You need to move on.
I had to make new friends when my family moved four times during my childhood. When I left home for school I met more people and some became close friends as did colleagues during my working career. Raising my own children brought new family friends into our fold through common associations. Then came another big change, retirement, which changed the dynamics of my circle of friends once again. Life happens!
The pandemic restrictions reminded us all that we are social creatures that need and value of human connection. The risks and consequences of isolation are very real and impact our mental health. We interact because we have a basic need to belong and because we fear and dread loneliness and rejection.
In retirement now I am frequently asked the question “Are you enjoying it?” My response not surprisingly is yes I am! I don’t miss the work but I do miss the people and the interactions and communications. That’s why we congregate in staffrooms, gather at coffee shops, visit with neighbors, sign up for classes and join book clubs, enjoy the camaraderie of sports, volunteer or perhaps seek out fellowship at church. That’s why some retirees choose to reenter the workforce. The craving for human experience and a feeling of purpose and self-worth prevails and is healthy. So we keep planting the seeds of new friendships.
My nostalgic mind recalls the old nursery rhyme from Girls Scout days chanted around many friendship circles. “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver the the other one gold.” Good advice indeed because many of us relish the opportunity in life to meet new engaging people and strive to maintain long standing relationships. But, most of us don’t live in a Sweet Magnolia novel with the perfect scenario where childhood friends are still there at the beck and call with kind words and hugs propping us up as we make our way through the trials and tribulations of life. The grassroots of friendship comes from within so when you are able take the opportunity to nurture the old while you are cultivating new ones.
I am thankful that technology and social media has made staying in touch with people much easier than in years gone by. I’ve become more assertive with age and in retirement rediscovering old interests of mine has introduced me to new circles of friends. Putting myself out there and connecting makes me happy. Quality of life improves with social interaction. Different people may drift in and out throughout your life journey and that’s okay. Creating a sense community is good for our mental health. It turns out lifelong friendships are rare because they evolve. But, you can always make new friends!
Maybe it’s the coming of spring with sparrows nesting outside my front door, something that hasn’t happened since my own children were young decades ago. Or joining a choir and enjoying singing in my sixties, something I haven’t done since childhood. It must be the wonderful anticipation of the birth of my first grandchild that has reminded me once again to count my blessings, slow down and savor those precious moments in life.
You know the familiar phrase “don’t put too many eggs in one basket.” I’m a person who for most of my life overcompensated for all those potential negative scenarios by focusing and juggling too many eggs in multiple baskets. Sometimes looking back with regrets, I realize that although I was always there for the important moments with my family, I wasn’t necessarily smelling the coffee. I ask myself now why did I settle for less than I deserved from those moments because my mind was just too busy?
I know what you’re thinking hindsight is a wonderful thing, but this is easier said than done. Don’t get me wrong I would never have ignored or rejected the needs and responsibilities I had in my family or work life to indulge myself flippantly. But maybe I should have slowed down my own thought processes along the way. Multiple eggs in too many baskets leads to racing thoughts and that is never a productive state of mind.
I will never cast a stone at the value of creative thinking and cognitive reasoning because it has served me well in life. But rambling thoughts can sabotage your own good intentions to cover all your bases. By slowing down productivity they can hamper your concentration and engagement. Random thought patterns can lead you astray, waste time and take you off your game.
Even when I am writing my blog, I often allow myself to get interrupted or distracted by my stream of thoughts. I know that I’m guilty of overthinking which can clutter my mind and that isn’t a productive state to be in. I risk losing my flow of ideas by doing too many things at once. Needing to regroup I end up taking far longer to complete the original writing task I intended to accomplish which creates stress.
Over the years I have learned to live with these thought patterns of mine as a functioning adult and they have not limited or incapacitated me, but I have observed and grown more concerned about the negative effects and consequences racing thoughts can have on the developing minds of children. Hindsight is telling me maybe that should have been on my radar more as a parent decades ago.
Today if I miss a Wordle challenge I will feel regret and disappointment, but I will get to try again the next day. It doesn’t happen very often that I miss a word but, on those days, when I’ve been interrupted and juggling too many things my inner stress builds cluttering my mind and I inevitably miss a clue. The consequences are minimal, but life isn’t like that. We don’t get many do overs and that is especially true for children as their formative years flash by so quickly.
The truth is that some children wage a relentless battle against their own thoughts for many years discovered by parents only after significant collateral damage has occurred. When your child’s own thinking patterns create more stress in their life it’s a sign that shouldn’t be ignored. When racing thoughts, worries, or ideas become more repetitive or exaggerated and increase in frequency or intensity they can hamper normal daily functioning, hinder relationships or disrupt sleep. They can challenge a child’s mental health and well-being.
Negative thoughts are normal but endless upsetting thoughts that won’t go away are not and they can create stress for a child. Once a behavior pattern sets in these kinds of thoughts can dominate a child’s brain making it more difficult for them to concentrate and accomplish things. Anxiety may be the root cause of your child’s irritability, exhaustion or restlessness. Racing thoughts are a common symptom of anxiety and other mental health disorders.
It took a long time for one of my adult daughters to confide in me that she had always been fighting her own thought demons and that her mind had always thought differently. I had noticed signs during childhood but didn’t always understand at the time what they meant. If mental health issues do start to emerge in a child, parents need to recognize the risk factors and take them seriously. The realization that mental health problems and disorders can manifest themselves in childhood has become far more acknowledged and accepted. It can be treated before it causes lifelong consequences. Early intervention is so important.
The good news is that there are ways to cope with racing thoughts and associated mental health conditions. With consistent management and care my daughter leads an active and full adult life. She has crafted strategies into her daily routines that quiet those ever-present troublesome thoughts demons and calm her anxiety enabling her to function and keep on carrying on.
Parents can start to help a child who is struggling with racing thoughts and feelings of anxiety by first acknowledging that their emotions are a real and vital part of their being. Instructing our children about the importance of good mental health will encourage them to be more open about their own feelings and increase the chances that they will confide in you if they are having problems and do need help coping.
Encouraging and modeling positive thinking is something that we all benefit from in our lives. Positive thinking will help children to be more resilient. Resilient children given time and nurturing can learn to cope, adjust and recover better from future life events or experiences. Showing children the importance of self-care and mindfulness is essential for good mental health. Learning to take care of ourselves when we are experiencing negative feelings and thoughts or managing stress is important and it should start at a young age so that it becomes a pattern of behavior throughout life.
If you suspect something is amiss or your child is struggling in any way don’t ignore the signs! Dig deep to find the root of the problem and then seek out appropriate help for your child. There could be a mental health issue. Daily activities at home and school should not become hard because their thoughts or feelings are overwhelming them. Thriving children are enjoying life and feeling confident about themselves.
I am now making better choices for myself, counting my blessings, slowing down and savoring precious moments in life. As I make my basket smaller and reduce the number of eggs within it perhaps, I can still lead by example as my adult children learn to juggle their own lives. Life is a journey, and we can’t always control the pace and demands put upon us. It’s no wonder our thought processes can run away from us at times if we don’t recognize and rein them in. Unfortunately, this is an even more confusing and difficult process for children to navigate and it can result in brewing internal anxiety. Are there too many eggs in their basket or maybe they just need more help carrying them?
Hindsight is Always 20/20! Parenting tips. 